Better Together

There's no combination of words

I could put on the back of a postcard

No song that I could sing

But I can try for your heart,

our dreams, and they are made out of real things

like a shoebox of photographs

with sepia-toned loving

Love is the answer

at least for most of the questions in my heart, like;

Why are we here? and where do we go?

And how come it's so hard?

It's not always easy and

sometimes life can be deceiving

I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

 

Mmmmm, It's always better when we're together

Yeah we'll look at the stars and we're together

Well, it's always better when we're together

Yeah it's always better when we're together

 

And all of these moments

just might find their way into my dearms tonight,

But I know that they'll be gone

when the morning light sings

and brings new things

for tomorrow night you see

that they'll be gone too,

too many things I have to do

But if all of these dreams might find their way

into my day to day scene

I'd be under the impression

I was somewhere in between 

with only town,

Just me and you,

Not so many things we got to do

or places we got to be

We'll sit beneaht the mango tree, now,

 

 

Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together

Well, it's always better when we're together

 

[MmmmMmmmmMmm, Mmmm MMmmmM]

 

I believe in memories

they look so, so pretty when I sleep

Hey now, and when I wake up,

you look so pretty sleeping next to me

But there is not enough time,

There is no, no song I could sing

and there is no combination fo words I could say

but I will still tell you one thing

We're better together 

- Jack Johnson-

Cut the Crap

 Friday, May 14, 2010

8:44 AM

 

I wish I was done with this shity job. I've lost motivation. Just to put it out there plain and simple. Also, I really haven't found a decent reason as to why I should try and get any back. No one cares and frankly, I haven't any reason to care either.

I went to WWU today and started working on getting my classes figured out. That is, those that I can take at CC and those I will have to take at WWU. I'm quite proud of myself for finally getting that done. Paul had me promise to do it today and I kept my promise. I do hate promises. If I don't keep them then I feel incredibly guilty and since I'm not great at keeping promises then… I have to deal with a lot of guilt. And I know, not making promises to escape guilt isn't probably the greatest tactic, in fact; it's probably downright ineffective but……. Right now that's how I'm working and I'm tired of trying to fix things.

You know, I am far to suggestive. I think dating Paul has affected me in far more areas then I've realized. For starters, he thinks and reacts to life far differently than I do. I don't think I like that; sub-consciously that is. I'm insecure about myself, I want things to all ways be in unison and flowing so, if I do something different then the way the person does that I like and trust I think that I must change how I do it. For some reason, I believe that their way is better than mine.  Or, if mine is better than they should be like me. And you know, in a lot of ways I feel that that is the way my dad has dealt with me and I feel he deals with others. Logic logic logic.

I don't know. If some way I don't WANT to like Paul, I don't WANT to want to be in a relationship because it is starting to bring up more and more and more of all the ways I'm dysfunctional. And I'm fighting against it internally. I'm also sensing that I'm fighting against it more than usual because Paul doesn't have "as many supposed problems" and doesn't have to be so purposeful in having a happy life. He just lives and is able to appear worry free. He's never been to counseling, he doesn't talk to his parents about all of the stuff that he sees has gone wrong in his family, he doesn't think and ponder about himself and life all of the time, he doesn't analyze and judge people's actions. (Yes, I catch myself far too many times judging and not just assessing…)

I'm having a hard time accepting that we think differently. I want to think exactly alike. I want to make sure that the way I'm thinking is ok because well, if he's thinking that way then it must be ok. Yeah, that's the way my brain is thinking and it's not healthy I know… I'm sure that comes from the fact that I revered Dad so much that his way of thinking became law in my mind and so now that translates to how I expect guys would view me and react to me. I'm so messed up. And I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!

 

Trapped

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

12:08 AM

 

I feel so trapped. So alone.

I don't have my cell phone. I was an idiot and left it at work. Now I'm stuck at home; without a car, without a cell phone, and without decent internet connection.

I asked Paul the other day what it would be like to have to go without all of that, he replied that he thought it would be ok. He; coming from the perspective of being in Europe without a cell phone etc. The only difference being however, that he didn't realize and take into account, that he had money and he was set to be there for only a certain amount of time and that he knew what he was getting into. I, on the other hand, am stuck. This is my home, I have very little money, I have no car, there is no other place to live, and I have no other means of staying in touch with the people who matter to me except through those means. So. Without internet and phone: I feel cut off. Alone.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that all three are vital ways of my being able to get to work?

 

Sabbath: A day of Rest or Conflict?

Wednesday, May 05, 2010
4:38 PM

It's the most important day in the week. It was created by the God of the Universe to give us rejuvenation and sense of belonging. He has finished creating all that we see and know, He has even finished creating us; mankind. He now ends His omniscient creativity with a Day that is to be Holy. A day that is Holy because He is Holy. And the express purpose of this day? To show us He has a permanent spot in His weekly calendar just for US! For me!
You know, I'll be honest -don't gasp so loud- I have many questions still to be sorted through when it comes to understanding my God and the things He asks of us. Or perhaps more importantly I still have trust issues when it comes to understanding God and the requests He asks of me.  There are so many things that have a million different views concerning them. Should a Pastor preach about certain *ahem* subjects in the pulpit? Is it biblical to wear jewelry? And if it truly is ambiguous *gasp* should one wear it in church or not? Perhaps one is being a hypocrite if they  wear it one place as opposed to another? What about dress? "Ladies; no pants or pants?" Is Ellen White a true Prophet? And what precisely defines "fornication"? And lying? Well, I've already discussed that and we know all of the questions I have concerning that but, now, now I'm looking at the most important day of the week: Sabbath.
 I have been instilled with the belief that Sabbath is to be spent unlike any other day of the week. This comes from the belief and honor placed in God's law He set at the beginning of creation.
"Honor the Sabbath Day to keep it Holy. Six days you have to labor but, the seventh day is the Sabbath of your God. In it you will do no work; you nor your son nor your daughter nor your man servant nor your maid servant nor your ox now your mule nor the stranger within your gate. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth and all that is within them but, the seventh day He rested. Therefore the Lord blessed the Seventh day and Hallowed it."

 

 

 

Death, Reality, and the Grieving Process

I went to my first funeral last weekend. It was with Edmond. One of his childhood best friends past away. And the problem is, I don't know how to relate to it all. No one whom I have been close to has died. Oh sure, I've had relatives, my great grandpa for instance but, I was to young to have it emotionally affect me. All I knew then was that it made my mom really sad and she flew way across the country for the event and that I was left behind with my Dad and sister. Then, I think I went to a funeral later on? But, as you can tell, I don't remember it. So, as you can see, I and death haven't really become acquainted. This reality of life has entered upon my stage in any significant act.

Perhaps, I look upon death as an event that happens to someone else. Or, that when death happens it is a welcome release to its recipient. For many years I have often thought about what it would feel like if someone in my immediate family died. How would I feel? How would I cope? How would those around me handle the tragedy? Could, and would, I stand strong to help them through? Or would I retreat, closing myself in with my own thoughts and grief? Yes, these are questions I have asked myself.

I remember distinctly one night when I was around 15 lying in my bed trying to imagine how I would feel if my father died. I imagined it so vividly and intimately that I started crying and scared myself so well that I had to go to my parents door way to make sure he was alive. I can still feel that moment; remember the feel of the bed that I lay in, the floor I walked on, hearing my father breath, the coldness of the house in the middle of the night, it's still as alive as it was eight years ago. 

I know, you are probably thinking I'm morbid however, there was something inside of me that needed to feel that. Something that called to me to become acquainted with possible loss. Now looking back I realize that that need stemmed from multiple things: lack of an emotional mother figure, habits in my life that caused intense feelings of shame, depression and mania from the Bipolar and my gift in having a higher sensitivity to my emotional environment. However, which ever the cause it has also caused me to have a curiosity of death and the emotions it brings. How does the life of one change? What is their reality after?

Reality is so subjective. My reality is entirely different then yours. Ok, you may be protesting at my use of the word "reality", preferring rather perspective, paradigm shift or uuuh, just change of mind perhaps. And yes, I can see your argument, when discussing psychotic behaviors we use the term "altered state of reality" . However, who is to define reality?! Yes, there are certain elemental facts about life that are unmistakable truths: the sky is blue, the grass is green, a human has a brain, two eyes, one mouth, a nose, arms and legs. (And hopefully  a heart) But, beyond these, who are we to argue with someone else's view upon reality. Their reality. Ok, I'm getting off topic, I think I've made my point in it's essence and also in the process decided that perhaps for the sake of clarification and respect to "the reality" of most, I will use the word "perspective". Ok, I'll admit it, I convinced my self of using the other words because of how the word "reality" is currently used and defined. How do you like that, you didn't utter a word and I was persuaded differently. *ironic chuckle*

So, to rephrase the question: what is their perspective after? How has their paradigm shifted?

I have only just discovered that I have always had an innate curiosity in understanding how people think and feel. It's so fascinating to me to think that while I may be feeling intense happiness or even sadness towards a specific event or person another may come along who experiences quite the opposite. And to this I ask: Why? What changed and caused their difference in perspective? How do they react to knowing they have such a different way of looking at something? Do they know where they get that perspective from? Do they care? Oh, there are a hundred more questions to be asked but, all with the basic intent of: "Why did this person do what they did just now?" 

Ok, say you've answered that question and have "come to a pretty clear concept about that person"; then that person experiences incredible loss: the death of one of their best friends. Now, how has life changed for that person? How do they see their friends, their family, themselves afterwards? Do they want to be around people? Can they talk about it? Are they able to talk about it?  Do they want to talk about it? How can you help them? How can I help him?

I've only know Edmond for a little over four months now. He likes to say it's longer but, our concepts of "knowing" are a little different. His definition appears to be more; "knowing the existence of" the other person. Mine: a little more particular.  I feel that  we have only known each other for about three and half months because that's when we actually started talking.  That's when I was able to start forming my perspective of him. Of which I could completely diverge from the topic at hand to discuss all of the awesome things I keep discovering about him but… I'd never actually finish this article and I'd really like to do so. I'll focus on the other a little later. *dreamy smile*

There are a few things however, that I think are essential to discuss. The only thing being is I am tentative to label things that I do like for; what if I haven't perceived them correctly? Perhaps I'm looking at them through spectacles that have only allowed me to see what I want to see. Never the less, I will take the chance of putting them in writing and pray that things will reveal their true identity in time. And really, all of this is simply because things  have started to appear to good to be true!

He isn't intimidated by my intuition, he wanted me to be at the funeral with him, he is considerate of my needs both physically/health wise  and emotionally. When I ask direct questions concerning himself he is straight forward and honest. After relating some specific conversations we have had to my father, he said that it seemed that Edmond was  aware of himself and this then enabled him to be aware of others. From what I can tell, after crossing checking as objectively as possible…,  I am starting to believe this is true. 

So, if Edmond is self aware, how will he work out his grief? And yet, how self aware is he really? Perhaps just enough to do the "basic" for himself and others but, when it comes to deep heart pain and issues, does he have the skills? However, I do have to give him one thing, he expressed to me specifically that he had cognitively worked on dealing with his Aunt's death a few years ago. He felt that he wasn't very successful and yet, to me it spoke of someone recognizing the need to address issues; that emotionally intense situations require processing. But, how does one process grief?

I think the main point of this whole article has become; how is he going to relate to it and how will I relate to him and he to me during this process? For some reason this question plagues me. Or perhaps not so much plague but, deep intense curiosity? It seems such an essential question to answer. I guess because I really don't know how the grief process works. I haven't had anyone die that I'm really close to and now, how do I relate to him? What if he doesn't let me in? Perhaps he won't be able to put it into words and I'm left outside? I want to be there for him. In some aspect I want to know that he needs me. But yet, wasn't that what he said when he requested my presence at the funeral?

I know very little about the grief process, I have things from my past that I have had to grieve for but, they have secondary not primary matters. I now simply pray that I can be there for Edmond when and where I can. That I don't seek to comfort out of selfish reasons- fear that I'm not being let in and rejected- but, out of a heart that seeks to give that which is needed.

To Lie

What constitutes a true lie?

I know, a seemingly odd and ridiculous question right? I guess the only reason I ask is because, sometimes I feel as if I'm living a lie.

I go to work and do nothing. I look busy because I have to. If I don't, my façade' will fall and the truth, which none wish to recognize, will be seen.

That I do nothing.

I pretend.

I look like that which people want me to appear: busy. But it's such a lie! Sure, perhaps if I work super hard and do a whole bunch of presentations at the high schools I can start to actually do what I'm suppose to do. However, my motivation has been sapped from me.  I have received no recognition for my work, no encouragement to keep doing my best and help and guidance in doing better.

They do nothing.

My supervisor is excellent at giving reprimands and commands but, in encouragement and listening to her employees;

She does nothing.

So perhaps we are all living a lie. We smile, nod our heads, recognize of each other in a purely cognitive essence and keep going about our daily business.  Now, when I say we I do mean those here at work. Although, I do believe in some aspects we are all living a lie. But, that's another whole topic entirely. Here however, I seem to be  plagued with the every day reality that nothing is as it appears. I hear things from one person about another, then from another person about their view on the view expressed by the other… and it just seems to go round and round. Now, I must say I have a definite dislike to gossip and I do not participate. However, here, you don't have to do to much to hear about other happenings that transpire.  Unfortunately, even though I may not spread gossip, hearing affects one all the same.  I look at some people and wonder how they can stand behaving in the way that they do when the people around them dislike their behaviors. But, do people confront? Do they express the need for change? No:

They pretend.

That it's all fine, they don't need change. Even though change is the very essence of life… It drives me crazy!! How can they stand it?! I can barely contain myself. I've come up with various reasons to some how be able to live with such a life but, none of which seem to compensate for the agony it brings. It is so unsettling. The knowledge that the truth isn't in the open, that it is being stuffed into the box called, "Social Acceptability". Oooh, it makes me want to shake myself all over as if to get rid of a bad tickle.  Ok, perhaps that wasn't the best illustration but, it was the only one I could think of to describe the weird shake I do when I think of it.

So, what do I do when things  don't change? When I discover that, as hard as I've tried to see the good in either the situation or the person, the reality is; it's ugly and I can't change it.  What do I do?

I pretend.

I lie.

I look at the situation, at the people around me and, do what we all seem to do best: nod and smile. For, to tell the truth would be a reality that they wouldn't like, much less be able to swallow and digest. Humans don't like to change. Well, we don't like to change things we've been told are negative for others around us. We don't mind having others change. For, isn't it easier for another to change rather then ourselves? But yet, when it comes to confronting another with a change that we see as needing to be changed, an odd phenomenon happens. We start to ignore our need for change in ourselves and others.  By ignoring their behavior we thereby  presume this will take the pressure off of ourselves to change and then, what is this exemplified behavior after such decisions?

Nod and smile.

Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We've all done it. We are creatures of denial and hiding. We hide from each other, we hide from ourselves, we hid from the Truth.  And yes you may:

Nod and smile.

Isn't it so much easier? But then, really? Is it really? True, for some of us, our skills for sensing the undercurrents of those around aren't especially honed. But, we all have a responsibility towards that which is inescapable.  To live in a lie has definite consequences. For starters, we miss that which is the true longing of those we come in contact with.  In one sense as well, we start to miss that which is truly reality in our own hearts. But yet,

What is Truth?

What is a lie?

It would seem pretty obvious to say that, whatever isn't Truth is then a lie. However, I for one have experienced trying to always tell everyone the truth and found quickly that if you plaster truth everywhere it doesn't seem to have much success. And then, we all know the consequences that come from never  telling the truth. Yeah, not to pretty. So, there must be a balance, there has to be! Otherwise, pardon the phrase, we're screwed! But! How do we get there? How do we know what that balance is?

What is an actual lie and just an appropriate omission of Truth?

To be honest?

I don't know yet; I've just been nodding and smiling.

 

 

A Sparrow Fell

I heard a sparrow fall today.

It came out of nowhere. A harsh thud and slight echo from the reverberation in the screen door. 

I was standing at the sink when I heard the sound. As I rushed to the door I hoped, "Please, don't let it die". I jerked the door open and saw a flash of brown flutter into the corner bush.  I knelt down quickly, scooping the fragile body into my cupped hands. It was so small. So frail and delicate and I doubted it weighed barely an ounce. 

As I held it I tried to hear its' tiny heart beat. Perhaps to feel it with my finger? But, there was no sound, no little flutter of life.  It had fallen and wouldn't rise. From some desperate tender part of my heart I asked God, "Please? Couldn't you save this beautiful little bird?".

But, I felt no little flutter nor heard any little "thump thump thump".

But, in that instance of request I was reminded of His promise that He does see every sparrow that falls and this one was not unlike any other sparrow. He had seen this small little one fall as well. In all of the infinite number of birds in our world I knew that as I held this little bird in my hand He was watching it to. Here I was: one young woman amongst billions of others, holding one small little sparrow amongst millions of others; and I could know without a shadow of a doubt that, at that precise moment in time , the Creator of the Universe saw us. It was a thrilling thought!

And I knew that, when I heard the sparrow fall, He had heard us both.

Girl Friends

I couldn't live without them. They have been one of the most important elements in my life, in helping me understand who I am. It has taken years to understand true friendship and to experience it but, when God blessed me with them He did an outstanding job! My friends have taught me that love doesn't keep count: a friend doesn't keep track of who has done what, when and how much. When a friend is there they aren't there because they want something no, they're there because they just want to be with someone. Namely; you!

I never knew that it was possible to ever have someone want to be with me just because they enjoyed who I was. That someone would go out of their way to spend time with me simply because they enjoyed who I was!

Think about it, it's a phenomenal concept to realize that there are people around you that like you just because you're you! But now, define you: define your loves, your hates, your strengths, your weaknesses, your accomplishments, your failures; define you and only you. Then, look in the mirror and let it sink in to the very depths of your soul what an utter miracle it is that we as selfish, sinful, messed up humans can love and be loved for just the simple fact of being alive; for being you.

Incredible!

 

In my journey towards understanding God, myself, family, life, friends, all of that big stuff, I have found over and over again that God has been using my friends to keep showing me the greater picture. A picture of Him. The utter phenomenal part of His picture is that, the more I look at Him the more I find myself, my family, my directions, and my friends. But, I don't find them in the same ways, I see them all in different colors, forms, and even shapes.

When I look at God's picture, when I look at God, it's like stepping into the most beautiful picture you can imagine and being able to walk inside of it. Only that this picture takes it a brush stroke further and allows one to be changed because of it and learn how to see the picture through your friend's eyes. Like I said, it's a phenomenone. I'm not even sure if I've been able to explain what exactly I've been trying to describe but, hopefully you grasped the idea that, looking into God's eyes, His heart, who He is, you'll find that this may be because of a friend He's put in your life.

Totally incredible.

 

Some of these concepts may not be so new to you. In fact, they may seem obvious and matter of fact however, there is an old saying that goes, "You don't know what you have until you've lost it". I, for one, do not wish to experience life through such an adage.What a life to look forward to! Think about it, that implies that; you can't appreciate your family until you've lost them. You won't know the blessings of having food to eat, clothes to wear and a house to live in until they have all been taken away. You will take your friends for granted and won't be able to understand the beauty of having them until they're gone. How pessimistic is that! And I vehemently protest against it!

When I first heard it I decided right then and there that I would prove such a phrase wrong. I thought, "Why do you want to take things for granted "Lion"? Do you want to discover in your old age all of the things that sliped past you simply because your eyes were closed?" From then on I have sought to keep my eyes open, to appreciate the good with the bad. I have decided that the biggest factor in not realizing what you have when you have it is because one is afraid to see the reality of their situation. If you can't see something clearly isn't the logical reason because something is obscuring your vision? It works this way in the physical world, why not in the emotional? The spiritual? The social?

This is how I came to my conclusion: Christ said He wanted to put salve on our eyes and that by seeking His Truth we would be free. Christ asks us to surrender our perceptions for His and His Salve is what does this. He sees all things, and all people, clearly and perfectly. So then, if I have Him put His salve on my eyes then! I learn to see Him and everyone else as they really are. I can appreciate them in the here and now. Now, it does take time to learn to adjust to such perspectives so, we can't completely avoid taking things for granted... but! we can certainly grow to appreciate more; more often.  

Yes, that is one of my many philosophies on life. One that I seek ever so hard to hold true to but, I think it is one that changes in color and shape so fast one can't truly be sure whether or not they are really appreciating something for what it really is until; it's gone? I hope and pray not! And since I really don't know either way, I will trust that with God and dedicate my time, loyalty and love to those who lie closest to me.

Behind and Ahead

And.... it's March, and I don't believe I have posted anything yet! I do apologize for my neglect and promise to try and catch you up as well as I can. However, I must warn you that an incredible amount of events have transpired between now and last I wrote and it will be a serious undertaking! Oh, and I lied... I did post something this month! Obviously there has been a lot going on if I can't remember back to the beginning of the month!

So, my last post was dealing with all of my misgivings concerning the differences between I and Edmond's backgrounds. I still have a few of them still but, I made a decision concerning them the next day (after that last March post) during my counseling session that eased my heart immensely: I would tell Edmond about my having Bipolar.

It was huge decision. One I knew that would alter my life and our relationship for better or for worse ever after. I was so turned upside down and inside out from all of my questions that I even called Diana and asked if we could move my session up so I wouldn't have to wait so long to sort things out! As I was describing my misgivings and thoughts on Edmond and myself I finally got up my nerve to ask her opinion about telling Edmond about my Bipolar. You see, Dr. Brown and Diana had told me repeatedly that it was wise of me to wait a considerable time into a relationship before I told the a young man such news. They advised that I should wait to tell them until they had been able to get to know and accept me for who I was before knowing such an immensely significant part of who I am. Another reason they advised me to wait is to see how much the young man actually cared for me. Once he started to become serious and perhaps even fall in love then, that would be the time to tell them. However, with Edmond there seemed to be something about him that destroyed that concept. And what seemed to destroy that concept was something that scared me. For, he seemed to already be at the point where he would need to be told.

He was and is, dare I say, crazy about me.

And he had only seriously known me for a little over 3 weeks!

When I had made these realizations and discussed them with Diana I knew what I had to do. And incredibly, I had such an overwhelming sense of peace once I choose to tell him. Diana also agreed that it would be good to tell him now as well! One of the biggest factors was also realizing that with the addition of Lithium I have become blissfully stable and even. Because of this stability I am able to be certain in who I am and therefore, I can know, that I know, who Edmond is and that he has started dating me and getting to know me, the "real" Girl: not the Up Girl or the Down Girl. Realizing this also helped me realize that; what better time then now to tell him? Say the worse happened in a month or so and I become horribly depressed or hypomanic, then what am I to do? "Oh, by the way Edmond, just wanted to let you know that I have Bipolar II." Mmmm yeah, don't think that would be the best way to introduce it. So, introducing it now seemed highly logical because then he has a baseline to work off of when the illness decides to act up again.

Diana and I talk about it and we decided that when I introduced it that I should say that I had the milder form of Bipolar. I wanted to be sure that I counteracted any form of negative bias towards the illness he may have already acquired. That way the first thing he connects with the illness is not severity or any other negative memory to the illness but, a toned down something of "something".
^Started around the 10th of May^

"Finished" April the 5th...
Ok, so. I know I'm not going to get this finished for awhile. Pretty lame I know, I've been working on this post for three weeks now and I just can't seem to get it finished! I've become so busy and well, distracted. I'm still working on how to get my priorities and boundaries in place in this new relationship and well, it's not so easy nor fast. I want to keep you updated, I truly do! I just haven't done so. I've been so tired of late because I've been staying up either talking or watching movies or.... *ahem* uuuh, well exchanging lip massages with Edmond that I end up being totally out of it at work. Yes yes it's true, I write when I'm at work. But honestly! I really have nothing better to do! More on that later....
So yes, I will do my best to increase my self-control, thereby increasing my sleep, thereby keeping you updated!

Reality: Is it heaven or is it hell?

It has now been over two months since I have started my blog and I still haven't written anything of significance! I've been looking forward to writing beauiful inspiring prose: thoughts that take one to greater heights and mental fields of color and light. I suppose I've been looking forward to impressing you and myself with my amazing ability of putting things into words. Somehow I have only succeeded in discovering that I haven't been having the most poetic of thoughts lately. I really am sorry. I honestly haven't meant to depress you!

  I did make the promise to myself that in creating this blog I was giving myself the freedom to say whatever I wanted or needed to say. However, I went back over what I've written up until now and frankly, it's nothing to inspiring! It all seems so; simple. Just the musings of a crazy girl living in a crazy world. Nothing to imaginative besides that she's trying to figure out the world with a brain that has a mind of its own. How different is that from anyone else's though? I believe that there are very very few people out there who don't have a mind that isn't seriously warped in some way shape or form. Oh, it may not appear to large or significant but, we still have all been born in a world of sin and none of us can come out unscathed. I know, it sounds morbid. Almost as if I have this desire for people to be messed up. But hey, you can't blame me! For one, it is accurate and second; if you had something wrong with you, would you enjoy the idea of being the only person who wasn't perfect?

Didn't think so...

Take for example Edmond. I swear the guy has never had a truly BAD day in his life! Except, who is to define bad? Only the person who has had a loved one murdered in front of them? Or come to discover that they are about to loose everything they own and have a terminal illness? Perhaps one who wakes up to the realization that their life has become worthless and will be hunted down and killed? Who is to determine?

"Me"; something inside of me whispers. 

"Wasn't I the one who woke up to find myself in a world where I was deemed worthless? My purpose to stay and watch those I loved hunt me down, commit murder: to watch & allow My arch enemy to rejoice as illness ravaged My children for thousands of years to come? Isn't it I who took all of these things on Me so that I could experience every facat of suffering that you might be afflicted with?"

It is true, only my Savior has the right to truly determine what a "bad" day is. In my selfishness though, I wish at times I could inflict others with what I term my "bad" days. It is hard for me to be content with my Savior's suffering on my behalf. I guess I feel that it is two different things having God understand me and another person understand me. All though, goodness, of course it is. And really, God hasn't designed it to be any differently. I just wish at times that I could know of a certainty that someone else truly knows what I'm talking about and that they really can understand what I'm feeling. 

Ok, so where is all of this stemming from? 

Well, I'm having a really hard time grappling with the knowledge that Edmond's life hasn't been seriously screwed up! I have this sense, perhaps just fear at times, that he really doesn't know what it's like to feel deep heart wrenching pain. To feel that at times you don't have a soul on earth you can trust. To have mornings where it takes all the will power you can summon to just get out of bed, both physically and emotionally. How is he to relate to someone who has barely any respect for their mother when he has a superb one with his own? He was raised with traditions, vacations, meals around the table at night, living in the same house for over FIFTEEN YEARS!! 

  While I? I don't have one tradition to speak of! Unless you count my family's having the unique ability of never living anywhere longer then three and half years... But, vacations? None existent: unless you count our camping trips that were mostly more stress then actual vacation. 

  As for meals around the table? Those haven't happened for years and when they do now it is only because my sister and I put them together. Even then, it's a work of persuasion to get everyone to stay put the whole time. I think the only time that we've ever had a meal together at home that my mom was the initiative for was before I was eight. I don't remember a time after. It may have happened afterwards but, most times when meals are put together for the family Dad takes his meal back to the computer. Then it's only us girls at the table and my sister and I don't exactly enjoy just sitting quiet with mom so, we go do other things as well. I really don't know what it's like to have relaxed family meals. 
  Now, as to living in the same house for fifteen years? That is a phenomenon I doubt I shall ever have the luxury of being able to relate to. I wouldn't know where the hell to even begin trying to determine where I grew up! Minnesota? No. Perhaps Washington; considering I've lived there now over four different times. Or, maybe we should bring in the other half dozen states I've lived in? I've moved so bloody much that I haven't a clue where I belong or to whom at times! 

  Ok hell, can you tell I'm scared? I'm scared that I'm to messed up for him. Or perhaps, that he isn't messed up enough! That he has had such a perceived "perfect" life that when it will come down to really relating to me he won't have a clue how. Who am I trying to fool?! I'm screwed up, dysfunctional and weird. It wouldn't be so bad if I had at least a semi normal family but, I have a mother that's an embarrassment to me. A father who's brilliant but, emotionally avoidant. (Though he wouldn't admit it or no where to even start understanding that) A sister who is beautiful, smart, and talented but, she herself doesn't know how to understand me nor the inner workings of our family. Honestly, I would be fine if it were just my father and sister but, when it comes to my mother I want to bury my head in shame.

 That's horrible I know. I should be ashamed of myself for even having such thoughts. After spending time with Paul's family though I am dreading the thought of ever having to introduce my mother to his. His mother is so beautiful. She has fashion and culture. She has a career and friends. She can throw big beautiful parties and prepare family meals. My mother? What can she do?! Oh, she looks young but, she isn't really that amazing looking. As to fashion or culture, she barely understands or is willing to recognize its importance! Her career has consisted of being a wife and mother both of which she has tried hard to do well but, has barely managed that!

  I'm sorry but, I just can't keep this in! How the hell do these things happen?! And how did I manage to attract a guy who comes from an apparently less dysfunctional home then I? Before I couldn't understand why other's would find it hard to accept the love of someone who didn't have the same type of background as their own. I thought, "Who cares. It's just crap. Everyone has it, you forgive and forget. Doesn't matter if the other person doesn't have it in theirs". Ha. Now I know exactly what they where feeling: Inadequate. Almost as if you are coming from another planet and now you're expected to just forget and move on. It doesn't work that way! Plus, how is one to truly connect with another if they can't relate or begin to understand the significance of such a heritage? 

  It's so disgusting because, at times I feel like I come from a pretty normal family. Well, pretty normally messed up. I have it really good; there's no physical or sexual abuse and both of my parents love me with all of their hearts. I myself haven't been abused, neglected or abandoned so, what is really wrong? So, I try to convince myself that there isn't. Heck, compared to alot of the families I've seen from the camp I worked at and other places my family really is pretty healthy. Then along comes someone like Edmond and all of my nice little notions and perceptions are kicked away. And now all I'm left with is a stark reality of what I haven't had, what I don't have, and what I need. Combined with the sneaking suspicion that he really hasn't the faintest clue.

So I ask again:

What the hell am I doing?!

Punct,u,a,ted. Blogging.

I think I'm becoming addicted!

To blogging that is... *contented laugh*

  I'm really enjoying being able to express my ideas and thoughts so freely and TOO someone better yet! Also, it's a challenge to me to see what ways I can manipulate punctuation to better exemplify how I would express things verbally. Though most times I really have no clue if I'm actually being grammatically correct. So, I really do hope that you aren't an English major! *laughing* I know I learn better by just doing so that is well, what I'm doing! Take that sentence for example: should it be punctuated "... by just doing so, that is well, what I'm doing"  or should it be: "...by just doing so, that is well what I'm doing." I accented the "well" because that is what I was wanting to have punctuated to express the fact that I'm doing something and obviously I have carried that out; obviously... Perhaps I need to go back and take Grammar 101. Now that I have found an actual need for the information. Funny thing is; I did quite well on the ACT tests and other random ones that test you in English. Actually, I did better in that area then all others, beside's reading that is.

  I did my Senior year for High School in Canada and so, besides needing to take the ACT for US school requirements, I also had to take Canada's version. I don't have the faintest memory of what it's called if you were wondering... sorry. Well actually, Canada's test was specifically for Senior testing. They require them to make sure that those who are graduating actually have obtained an education to qualify for obtaining a high school diploma. I'm 85% sure that the US has something like this but, Canada's is definitely a test of knowledge on all levels. For example: the English part required you to read a story and then write a short essay on it. Then you moved on to a poem and did the same thing only that they were very strict on having you obtain an actually original idea from the poem. The last part consisted of either 2 or 3 questions on which you needed to write a short essay on. You were then tested on thought construction and flow, punctuation, grammar, and spelling, not to mention, whether or not you wrote anything worth reading! Frankly, I found it a whole lot of fun and a nice challenge! I don't remember my score only that I was quite pleased with it and it gave me courage to know I could write quite decently.

  But alas, I don't have a specific way of assessing how well the writing in this blog is; except possibly through how many readers I have and feedback from you. Ah well, I have maaany more years of school ahead of me and I'm sure all of the dots, dashes & semi circles will be ironed out in time! Or atleast I will enjoy lots of pretty red marks...

  For now I will relish obtaining free tutoring from myself!   

When you say "Yes". But you meant "No". Can that then mean "Wait"? Part 3

Now, for the big red bow!  

I should warn you though, that as can be seen by part 2, I'm having a really hard time holding my thoughts together through all of this. I'm not sure why either, perhaps it's simply because my mind is distracted by a certain someone? But, I really don't know for sure knowing my little brain and all of the weird things that take place in side! I do know that I really want to get these thoughts out and wrap this whole thing up and if I don't I will be very irritated! So, time to plunge on.

  Synopsis: I started freaking out about being asked out by Edmund so quickly. I talked to my counselor about it and she abated my worries. I then went on to explain my reasoning behind my casual dating and what caused me to date so much. Now, I'm back to trying to describe how I'm going to implement a healthy growth in a relationship without losing my independence. Good heavens, will I ever get past that part?!

  I think I should start off by saying that, when a man respects a woman, when he truly wants to know her: personality, interests, values, likes, dislikes, past & present concerns and needs; the relationship will proceed at a healthy pace. I believe that is how I and Edmund's relationship will play out; that being said in lieu of the fact that we've only been dating one week and two days. I'm not counting or anything like that.

  Dang it! I got called to the front and I've lost my train of thought! Now I'm going to have to try and pull them all together again…Maybe I should just start to babble on about how much I like him… All of the marvelous qualities I'm starting to see in him, how it's so unbelievable that I can see such intense care for me in his eyes, how my heart is starting to fall for him though having known him for only a month and not even knowing of his existence for more than 2 months!

  How can this be?! I was so certain of my singleness. I was so certain that I needed more time to heal: I was too messed up, carried too much baggage to go into a relationship, I    needed more time, I needed to be more "together" before someone could like me.            

 Now look at me! I can barely hold together multiple paragraphs because of lack of sleep from talking with him on the phone, staying up late on weekends talking about anything that comes to mind, and being distracted all day by texts or thoughts of him all day.

  The odd thing about it all is that, believe it or not, it's not an obsession. I can still think about other things. I'm still productive. I don't feel needy, in that if I don't get to talk to him or even if I do talk to him I can let him go. There's no unsettled need or fear for connection or that something is misplaced. Believe me, after Indecisive (the name for my ex-boyfriend) I can quickly pin point if I am feeling needy or unsettled. I'm starting to have this sneaking suspicion that, the reason I want to spend time with him is because well, I actually like him. Perhaps, just perhaps, he actually does have the qualities that I need, that I want. Ok, so I wouldn't be dating him if there wasn't A LOT there already. Sure, it is incredibly flattering to a girl to be swept off her feet. But, I could never be swept off my feet to such a point that I didn't know if there was enough there to make a good start. I think I'm just still finding it hard to believe that what I'm seeing is actually there! I catch myself being so happy and myself; finding the things I like in him and then stopping myself and wondering: I'm just making it all up? Perhaps I've idealized everything already, idealized him to be what I want and need? Yes, I'm back to where I started: back to the need to take things slow and steady.

  It's crazy though! Last weekend, our first weekend together as a couple, was so unlike any weekend I've had with a man. He was such a gentleman. He was respectful of my physical boundaries. He wasn't respectful of them just because I needed them no; I believe he was respectful of them because he also respected himself. Strange concept eh? A person can only respect others as far as their respect goes for themselves. I conceived this philosophy out of my experience and the guidance Christ gave us:

"Do for others what you would do for yourself."

  If we don't know how to love ourselves, respect, honor, appreciate who we are as Christ's children, how can we expect to know how to treat others? True, at times it is easier to treat others better then we do ourselves but, we will quickly dry up if we do not nourish ourselves with Christ's love. We give as it has been given to us. Whatever comes to us comes through us: almost as if God pours His love through our veins first before it can bleed out to others. Remember, God's love comes in so many shades and facets. It can be in the form of a house, clothing, food, emotional support, friends, exercise, a new book, whatever those things might be to keep us strong and emotionally healthy.

  Mr. Indecisive respected me only from the belief that he was "bad" and I was "good". He couldn't find anything in himself to respect and there by to motivate him to healthier habits. He tried to shape his choices and behavior from the idea that I needed that of him and somehow that knowledge would change him. The only thing that transpired from that belief was guilt and shame for him and pressure on me to be what he needed so he could change. I entered the relationship very conscious of the fact that many people enter into a relationship and expect the person to change over time. I was determined to not succumb to such an illogical concept. However, I had no idea how many other ways a person can expect change. Imperceptibly I expected change through his simple desiring for change. I thought I wasn't changing him if I didn't look for the change and only looked for the desire to change. I assumed that, if a person has such a desire they will naturally grow. How can someone want something and then it not happen? That definitely wasn't a concept I had become familiar with. I have always demanded growth, change, and learning of myself. If I'm not growing, if I'm not learning then, I know I'm doing something most decidedly wrong and it's time to change directions and thought patterns. I have since learned that not all have this priority in their life.

After coming to these realizations about myself and how Mr. Indecisive worked I realized I must maintain myself no matter what. If the other person couldn't think for themselves, if they hadn't assessed their values, if they hadn't yet become who they liked then they weren't worth my time. I may not be completely who I'd like to be but, at least I know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there!

  I am starting to come to the tentative idea that I think I'm correct in concluding that Edmond does have these things. Unfortunately, I'm still "gun" shy of trusting my perceptions of guys. I've experienced far too many instances of people, jobs, and perceptions crumbling before my eyes. It's traumatic and I'm tired of it. My only plan of attack right now is to soak him and everything else in. Just let whatever happens, whoever he is, just pour over me. To learn to be ok with how I react to things and who I am in this relationship right here, right now. I don't need to feel guilty about how or why I react to things in the way I do. I will simply enjoy the innocence of attraction, seek to truly see him, and enjoy our relationship.

So, can "Yes" mean "No"? And therefore "No" mean "Wait"? I think so. It all has to do with implementation...

When you say "Yes". But you meant "No". Can that then mean "Wait"? Part 2

"To implement it in an appropriate manner and stick with it."
To "rewind".

Yeah, I don't think any of that has happened.

Oh, and before I go on, I must say I've been trying to stay way from such things as: lol, btw, hehe, fyi, :) ;) :D :/ etc etc.

  I feel that these are unprofessional and should be kept to more casual conversations and online chatting. However, sometimes I can't quite figure out how to express my enjoyment of a thought any other way. I don't want to be excessive when using exclamation points because that can just get a little wearing and over the top. Seriously, too many of them can make one feel like they should be on caffeine or something with all of the excitement they demand. So, how can I be more expressive in my writing without compromising my professionalism and not demanding to much of an emotional response from you, my reader? What about this? * a questioning look*, *mischievous smile* etc Do you think that would be ok? Or is that simply the same thing? Well, for now I will stick to those but, use them only in very important cases.

Back to the more important discussion at hand...

  After all of my stressing out, chatting with my little Puerto Rican and writing you a book... I finally came to the counseling appointment with Diana that Thursday evening. Now, I call her Diana because, I have repeatedly called her this though her name is drastically different. I hope however, that I haven't jinxed myself and I now will forever fight the urge to call her Diana instead of her real name!

  She's an amazing counselor. I am so blessed to have found her. Which by the way, I found her by calling every single female counselor in town... Then; by analyzing how they interacted with me over the phone- what they said and how they said it-  and over their voicemail I started weeding them out. Then, I heard Diana's voicemail and felt very comfortable with it. Especially after she went to great lengths to connect with my insurance and determine whether or not I could obtain counseling from her and the cost of it. When I first started with her I was in such dire straights emotionally I had two sessions a week. That was so needed and, after my insurance I don't have to cover a single penny of the sessions! Heck, I could have a session every night at that rate.

Anyways! Back to my original topic! 

  I laid the whole situation out to her. I had to catch her up as to how Valentine's weekend went. But, I had been keeping her posted on everything else up to that point so that, by the time I got to all of my misgivings, she had a pretty clear idea has to who he was. So, as I'm sharing with her my fears and concerns about him, while at the same time sharing all of the good things he had demonstrated, she starts raising her hand up. Finally, after the second time of her doing this, I start laughing and ask her what the heck she's doing! She's says, "I'm casting my vote"! We both laughed so hard since, it also looked very much like she was bidding as well. *a big smile of memory* I shared with her then how it really scared me though that he asked me to be his girlfriend so quickly. I knew I wanted to be his girlfriend and yet, like I have already thoroughly expounded upon, I was concerned that it wasn't a wise decision and perhaps I should tell him we should be "just friends" for a while longer. She immediately advised against this saying that the only thing Edmond would hear is that I didn't like him. I decided that definitely wasn't true and didn't want to risk losing him so, trounced that idea as well.

  So, I came up with another misgiving: perhaps the only reason he asked me out so quickly was simply because he was just carried away with the idea of having a girlfriend. That he hadn't really stopped and considered what he was doing? She squashed that idea as well. She felt that the primary reason he asked me out so quickly was because he was afraid of losing me to someone else. I laughed at this thought because, quite frankly, I couldn't see any reason he should be afraid of this! I mean, I have been doing quite a bit of casual dating. However, I have quickly determined that, from the prospects that have come my way, none of them were right for me and it didn't look like there were any coming along anytime soon. Besides, like I said, I have been enjoying my independence immensely! The only reason I have been doing so much casual dating is well, for the heck of it! Well, also because I thought if was good for me to "test out myself" with other personalities. A lot has been going on for me in the past four months and most of it not pleasant either. I have needed interesting distractions. Going on casual dates was an easily obtainable distraction that provided an immense amount of things that would keep my mind busy i.e. analyzing. I would actually challenge myself to see how fast I could assess someone and figure out whether we would make a good match or not! The poor gentlemen... if only they knew!

  I'm not sure if I mentioned this but, one of the symptoms of either hypomania or depression is the inability to concentrate. Well actually, let me define each side in more detail. Hypomania causes excessive energy in the brain which produces racing thoughts and feelings of euphoria. Depending on the intensity of the mania is the intensity of the euphoria. A person will start to think faster, feel things with greater intensity, need little to no sleep, have higher amounts of physical energy, high sex drive, there can be aggression as well, and creativity and ideals become heightened to points of excess or even delusions. Depression: is the opposite of everything described above however, there is a type of depression that can be loosely termed "energetic" depression. Meaning that, though the brain's mental energy is compromised the individual can still have energy, though in negative ways. It usually comes out in forms of aggression; verbally or perhaps physically to one's self or others.

  In my case, in regards to dating and such, my depression was starting to become aggressive mentally and verbally. I was switching between a sever apathy towards other's behaviors and presence then, extreme annoyance and impatience towards their actions. People couldn't talk fast enough, move fast enough, be efficient enough! They were getting in the way of life being able to move on! I was able to keep myself under wraps considerably well but, I was constantly stressed and tense inside. It takes a lot of energy to constantly contain one's own actions and restrain "natural" impulses. Besides that, I had to sort through all of these to make sure I was still being me. While at the same time not displaying inappropriate behavior to alienate friends and family.

  Now, to tie this into what I was saying about dating, Edmond, being a hot item, independence... all that stuff. *mischievous smile*  So, I'm casually dating and yet experiencing intense boredom and internal pressure but, realizing that dating was a way to release mental pressure. Being able to hang out with different people all of the time allowed me to experience freedom in my behavior. If I did something that I didn't like or they didn't like it really didn't matter. I usually had figured out by the end of the first date that we wouldn't work out anyways and so the probability of seeing them again was low. There was essentially no risk of being rejected because I could handle being what I wanted to be for a few hours. Mean while, being thoroughly entertained by watching them react to me and recognizing that I had the situation in my hands. After all, knowledge is power and most people do not realize how much they tell about themselves through minuit behaviors. It feels good to know one is in control of a situation. Especially if one feels so out of control in every other single aspect of their life. And that was exactly where I was at when Edmond came along.

 And now, I'm exactly 5 minutes to the end of my work day and I STILL haven't wrapped up my thought that I've started and restarted half a dozen times.

Sorry... I promise I will completely wrap this up in the next post; big red bow and everything!

When you say "yes". But, you meant "No". Can that then mean "Wait"? Part 1

(…the deeper thoughts)

 

Now, for the "real" stuff: all of the previous was the nuts and bolts; the story that will, hopefully, explain all of my current musings.

 

I'm a little over-whelmed. It has all happened so fast! It's fun to hangout with him, to get to know him, experience things, be pampered but, I think I still want my independence. I don't want to feel that every weekend I need to correlate schedules; make sure I don't hangout with guys; make a conscious effort to have girl time etc etc. I've started to really enjoy just going with the flow. In some ways it's nice to think of having a boyfriend. But, that is really only because then I don't have to worry about being bored or lonely. Perhaps though it's good for me to go through those times; it is helping me to grow stronger in who I am, to learn how to be content and grow patiently in life with God.

"A decision made from fear is always a selfish one".

I think perhaps my saying yes was made out of fear. Fear, that I would disappoint him. Fear, that I would hurt him. Fear, that I would burst his bubble of exuberance. Fear, that I would disappoint his parents and friends. Fear, that I really did like him and the only reason I was feeling fear was because of past relationships. Fear, that I would miss out on something amazing if I said no.

The ironic thing is that two weeks ago, these were the exact questions/fears I did not want to face. I have been enjoying my freedom of singledom. I can come and go with whomever I please whenever I please. I can be curiously interested in multiple guys just for the heck of it. I have a blast exploring different types of people and right now, different types of guys. Who knows who's around the next bend! The endless possibilities are intoxicating!

So, the question I ask myself now, with all of those self-revelations is: do I really want to be dating? More specifically: do I want to date Edmund Smith? (Such a strong anonymous English name don't you think?)

My initial reaction right now is: No. Not if it means sacrificing my freedom. Not if it means feeling pressure to meet his level of interest in me. For the plain and simple truth is: I don't have it. I like him, yes. I'm attracted to him, definitely. Personality? Mmm, there are a couple of things I'm not sure on. To put it simply, I'm not as exuberant about this whole thing as he is. And that is precisely the knowledge that scares me.

Something that I have been asking myself is: what if another guy did the same things he has done? Would I have the same reaction? There's a gentleman that I have been hanging out with whom I get along with fabulously. We're both Psychology majors and talk the same language and philosophize till the cows come home. We can tease each other, give each other a hard time, and I can get him to react. Those are two very important things to me: philosophy and reactions. Philosophy because: I can challenge my mind, brainstorm and generate solutions to imaginary problems. I do it naturally all of the time! Reactions: I like to see people's emotions and how they relate to life. I want to know what draws their attention and pushes their buttons. Now, pushing buttons can also mean positive buttons as well…The question now is: does Edmund react & philosophize? And, how quickly can I figure that out? Honestly, I'd love to figure that out by the end of this coming weekend. Yet, what if that isn't a fair determination to make in a weekend? Perhaps he does but, it's not something he does readily because of social obligations? However, I philosophize regardless of who I am around. I also seek out those whom I can talk with on that level so… I think I just blew that excuse out of the water.

One thing I did learn is that it doesn't seem like his family has deep conversations all that much. We talked about how he was raised religiously; family worships, bible studies, Sabbath activities and such.  It was really interesting because in essence it sounded very similar to my background and yet, drastically different. I believe the biggest difference comes from his parent's marriage. These two may not seem directly correlated at first glance but, from watching my parents relationship and then my friend's parents I believe there is a direct connection- more on that later though. So yes, his family placed significant importance to spiritual things but yet, they don't seem to relate to it on the other levels like my dad does. They take it for what it is: simple and holistically but, do not seem to generalize it on the level I and my dad do. 

So, I don't know… But! Thank heavens it's Thursday today! I can take all of these endless musings to my counselor. Lay them all out for her and hope she can shed some light on them!

My little Puerto Rican has been helping me but, she herself just got through a rather roller coaster section in her relationship and even though all of what she said made sense… I'm going to be sure and get feedback from the "older" friends in my life. Oh, and her feedback? That Edmund asked me far too soon and that he's just acting a little bit to fast. Considering we have hardly known each other! But, she feels that if I simply expressed my concerns to Edmund that the relationship could precede at a healthy rate and it wouldn't need to be completely severed, just a wee bit of rewind is in order. I definitely agree with all of this, the only challenge being: how to implement it in the appropriate manner and actually stick with it.

Fast or Too Fast?

Betcha' can't guess what happened! Na, you probably have... But! Before I confirm or deny your suspicions and assertations I shall simply tell it to you as it unfolded. (There has to be some element of surprise or it'd be no fun!)

Here's the weekend as it unfolded:

Friday: I met him for vespers: nothing exciting or monumental, just interaction. He then lent me his laptop to try and Skype with my friend in Taiwan. However, I didn't get any sleep Friday night because I was paranoid that I'd miss hearing her come online. Was that ever a long night. In the end though, she didn't come online and when she did the rest of the weekend I was gone! So aggravating!

Sabbath: went to Sabbath School with him; which for me was a first in a veeeery long time. It has probably been over six months since I've gone! Perhaps he's a good influence on me? We'll see, more on that later. Then we went to second service at the University Church. After which, we invited ourselves over to a friend's house for lunch. That was very nice and relaxing and then we went out to a park with a big group of people and played ultimate Frisbee. Way fun! I have never played it before and it is definitely addicting. After this, I went home and tried to take a nap. Wasn't successful but, was able to catch up with one of my best friends and fill her in on all of the juicy details of the recent happenings in my "love life".

Side Note: She has a boyfriend now! A whole separate story in its self but, suffice it to say that she has a wonderfully unique personality that is the type you could see being perfectly happy single all her life and yet, on the other hand, making a wonderful wife and mother. They have known each other for 3 years already So, they're most likely going to be married but, it will still be a year and a half or so.. I'm so happy for her! He's just right for her!

Sabbath Evening: We went swing dancing over at some friend's house. It was alright. Honestly, I was disappointed in it. Not in him, just in the gentlemen that put on the event. The one is micro-managing/control freak the other, follows along and doesn't know how to look at another way of doing things. The first, we shall call him "MV", lead the event. The second, whom we'll call "ZF", was MV's back up in teaching the newbie's the steps. Now, the gentleman I have been hanging out with has already taken Ballroom dancing. He isn't foreign to the concept of dancing and leading. He simply hasn't swing danced and so has to learn the steps. This doesn't bother me at all. It was that Mr. MV had to micro-control how a person learned the steps. He doesn't take into account how a person learns simply that, he has determined the "best way" and there by everyone else must follow course. He then proceeded to keep bugging me the rest of the night till quite frankly, I was mad. So, my evening swing dancing ended up being stressful and repetitive. I was so looking forward to it too! I haven't been able to dance for well over a year and dancing is so relaxing for me and then all I leave with is stress and anger. He just kept pushing my buttons left and right! It was infuriating! I was trying so hard to not be ticked off but, men who do that drive me up the wall. Also, MV & ZF had said that there was going to be switching of partners and there wasn't any! Ah well, not everything can be perfect. Besides, I'm getting off track and the point of all of this isn't to talk about some stupid control freak.

I am realizing that I need to come up with a name for this "man" in my life. Question is: how do I come up with a name that fits him that well, isn't his name?! I really like his name! Speaking of names…Can you keep a secret? I had a huge crush in the first grade on this older boy whose name is the same as this gentleman's. Since then, I have always found that name incredibly sexy and manly and thought it would be way cool to date a man with that name. Well now, I just may have my chance. But, I'm getting ahead of myself…

After swing dancing we went to my place and watched the Sherlock Holmes movie that came out. It was so much fun watching it with him because he enjoys talking during a movie. After which we talked till 2am….

Sunday: This is when the "real" stuff started happening. Real meaning: that it was our first serious date and my first Valentine's date. He bought me a dozen red roses in a beautiful red vase! They were gorgeous. He said that I looked amazing; the food was wonderful; the atmosphere perfect; the conversation refreshingly diverse; and the company charming and ever so much a gentleman. He made me feel like such a beautiful lady! One thing was rather humorous however; I'm coming to the discovery that when he's either tired or nervous he talks a lot. It's ok to a point but, I really like to talk too! We'll have to see about that one. After the meal we went and grabbed a movie and went to my place. We watched 500 Days of Summer and was that ever an ironic movie to watch after a first date! I don't recommend it unless you're ok with watching a movie which strongly demonstrates Attachment Disorders.  

I have found his name! It will be: Edmond. Meaning: prosperous protector. Or it could be interchangeably, Esmond: gracious or handsome protector. They both work. I just don't like how the word Esmond rolls off the tongue. Edmond is so much smoother. Now that we have that taken care of, back to the "happen'ns".

After the movie we continued talking and didn't finish till 3am. Ugh. It was nice, don't get me wrong but, we had to wakeup by 7 the next morning to be ready to go boarding by 8.

Monday: I was so wiped that morning! I tried to sleep on the way there but, his friends and his brothers were having quite entertaining conversations and I couldn't tune them out.

The slopes weren't too bad. It was snowy and rainy for a bit in the morning but, then it cleared off and we had a beautiful rest of the day. The snow its self wasn't too bad though, by the end of the day it started to get a little slushy. The guys of course were all better then I, though I was able to impress Edmond by the fact that I could keep up with them. I myself was surprised by that! He had asked me how good I was and I said that I wasn't that good because I haven't been able to board consistently or often. Plus, I am self-taught and it took me several trips to realize and be told that you don't have to ride on the flat of your board! So, needless to say, I haven't considered myself all that great. Edmond of course wanted to make me feel good because I was able to keep up with them just fine but, he can do jumps and twists and all sorts of things and I can barely do a slight hop! But! I did go down a Black Diamond for the first time ever! I am quite proud of myself. I was nervous as hell but, since I was boarding with only guys I figured I couldn't be wimpy and so just concentrated on getting down the mountain. Mind over matter. I did take a pretty good spill though. My bindings were crap and we had gotten them to stick before but, at the top of the mountain they decided to not hold anymore. So, we decided that we needed to get them changed right away and not wait for lunch. Problem: I'm at the top. New bindings: at the bottom. I decided that the sooner I got down the sooner I got them fixed so I'd just bomb the hill. However, the run we took had a major switchback in it. I decided to try a hard tight turn around it but, my back end didn't agree. I tried turning, it stayed straight. I caught my edge and went head over heels tumbling and doing all sorts of crazy twists over the edge of the switch back. I'm so glad that there was that edge because there weren't any trees and it couldn't be groomed so it was wonderfully semi-soft snow. Though I did manage to plunge face first into it and came out with a numb jaw and lips. I discovered later that I also managed to get some nice whiplash as well.  The reason I crashed was because my binding had completely come off and hence, no way of turning my back end. I finished the run rather shakily but, made it down and turned in my murderous bindings. Perhaps I should have sued…

The guys were all perfect gentlemen the whole day. For the first half it would take at least 5min each time to put my binding on since it wouldn't stick. Then, they insisted on waiting while I rested up after my fall and then decided to have an early lunch for me. Of course, Edmond stayed with me no matter what. One thing he doesn't lack is the ability to be a gentleman. He's caring and attentive but, not smothering or controlling. I would quickly notice either one since, I am highly independent and it would drive me nuts!

Well, the evening and the weekend was ended by the group eating out at a Mexican restaurant. Edmond & I wound up back at my place exchanging much needed back rubs; he, having landed hard on his tail bone, and I having landed hard all over. There was also a brief exchange of a lip massage… brief mind you.

And that, my dear reader, is the end of my Valentines Weekend.

I hope I didn't bore you out of your mind with everything. I just have to savor every bit of it. For, weekends like that come only once in a life time. Remember:

"Every moment is different, and never comes again; so each must be savored, for life to truly be lived."

Tuesday Night: He asked me to be his girlfriend. I said -with a long pause- "Yes".

(stay tuned for the deeper thoughts...)

Valentines & Snowboarding

I must say, that the one thing I wish I could add to a blog is all of the minuit emotions and expressions that pass over my face as I write. Example: I'm smiling. But, it's more of a soft smile, with anticipation shining in my eyes and a slight glimmer of contentment and self containment peeping through.

The reason for said smile: I have been asked out on a Valentine's date. And, it is my very first valentines date of my life. I can hardly believe it to tell you the truth!

And! That's not all of my good fortune! The young gentleman has also invited me to go snowboarding. All expenses paid. I get all giddy inside just thinking about everything these next few days hold in them!

Expression: A huge smile, with my shoulders and arms pulled together in a hug of myself from all of the excitement welling up inside. You know what it feels like! You can't quite outwardly squeal and start dancing around with excitement so, it's like the insides of your body do it for you. At least, that's what I think it's doing!

Well, I will have to wrap this up because it is the end of the work day and I fiiiinally get to go home. I will try next week to "tell all". Until then, wish me luck!

 

Mediation by Medication

So, I've kept my promise! Once a month! Though perhaps it was more like a semi-promise, which ever, here I am! I'm not sure when exactly I started the blog and first posted so, guesstimation will have to do. All I know is that, the internet regulations at work have been significantly altered and I can't actually go to the blog site anymore. So, now I have to post via email. It really is a drag but, at least I can still keep my semi-promise!

(Don’t laugh at my semi-promise’s! That’s not nice. At least I’m tryyying to keep one.)

Now wow, where should I start in catching up? The first thing that comes to mind is my doctor's appointment. I went to a new Psychiatrist on the 25th last month. My counselor wanted me to go about two months prior but, honestly, whoever wants to go to the Doctor's? Ok, I guess I use to but, I've already gone through going on a different med and getting all screwed up and I've been working very hard at avoiding such an experience again. However, things have reached a point where the illness can't be ignored any longer. Not that I was ignoring it before, I was just working my butt off to keep it steady by myself. Catch up: I've been diagnosed for a little over two years now. Did I already tell you that? Well, can't check since I can't view the site so, anyways! I was put on Lamictal in October of when I was diagnosed. This worked well until the start of February or so. Then I started to have ADD and depression and other miscellaneous symptoms and it was determined that I was *rapid-cycling: as opposed to simply *cycling. So, around the end of March my Psychiatrist in Nebraska -I've moved since then- decided to try Abilify on me.

On me? With me? Hmm, I'll have to see which phrasing I like better.

Anyways, it worked well until around the beginning of July. At this time I was on vacation visiting my childhood best friend whom I hadn't seen for a couple of years. I was so excited to spend time with her! We are both very creative and I was looking forward to painting, drawing, long philosophical conversations, photography... all of the things that make a vacation a vacation for me! But, I started to get depressed. By the last few days of my time with her I was experiencing severe *flat-affect.

cycling: when there are fewer then 4 cycles in a year. A cycle being down-up or up-down one consecutive time. For some individuals, there are only two severe cycles in a year. These tend to take place in the spring and fall for the individual. (Severity being rated according to the debilitation of the individual; Bipolar I is usually more severe- more on this later as well.)

Rapid-cycling: when the depression and mania cycle more then 4 times a year. Rapid-cycling can be where a person has multiple cycles in a month. However, if the cycles reach a more rapid rate consistently then it is diagnosed as:

Cyclical Bipolar: a person cycles as rapidly as days or even minutes of time. Up one day, down the next as well as up one minute, down the next minute; sounds hellish doesn’t it? I praise God I only have experienced rapid-cycling so far!

Flat-affect: a mood where the brain is neither manic nor depressive. Stimuli are taken in but, there is very little to no reaction from the brain. Flat-affect is determined by how a person reacts emotionally in a given situation by a person experiencing no depression. In other words: I scare you, you scream. I scare a flat-affected person they may have little to no reaction to the jarring stimuli.

Now that we’ve gotten some definitions out of the way… back to my story! As my vacation was coming to a close I decided that my mood wasn’t just circumstantial- I was also going through crap from my boyfriend at the time, ex mind you- I then called my Psychiatrist and told him that I believed the Abilify wasn’t working and needed to go off of it. He agreed and I weaned myself off and swore to never take the stuff again!

A note to you, my reader: don’t EVER go off of a medication without discussing this thoroughly with your physician.Especially if it is a psychotropic medication the effects to the body and brain may have dire consequences. Ok, I’m off my soap box.

Ever since the time of ending the Abilify I have only taken Lamictal. That has been now oh, about a year and a half? And, up until November, I thought I was doing pretty good! Last spring I experienced depression but, I felt that it was situational due to my being weak from the illness and experiencing sever stress. You know, you-twist-your-ankle-again-because-you’ve-already-twisted-it type thing. Hence, I termed it circumstantial depression.

Now it comes to November.. December.. January… and my expectation of my job is fast going down the tubes and the red on my stress o’meter is rising rapidly and my counselor wants me to go see a Psychiatrist again. For good reason I know. I was depressed, experienced a couple of anxiety attacks, and the last drop in the bucket: the beginning of January she, the counselor, said she saw me cycling about every two weeks. That opened my eyes sufficiently to see I wasn’t able to keep the illness in control just by natural remedies. So, I booked an appointment with the Psychiatrist she recommended and, wala! Here I am!

Placed on good ol’ Lithium.

When I was first diagnosed I immediately plunged into the world of Google Scholar and Psychological Journals. I was scared. Perhaps even the word petrified would be appropriate. I mean, who the hell wants to discover that something is messing with your brain; your MIND, and you don’t have a say in the matter?!?! (Pardon my French. ((I love that phrase by the way. My being part French may have something to do with it.))

As I was researching I kept coming across the medication Lithium. It fast became apparent that it was the most commonly prescribed medication for Bipolar I. However, I was diagnosed Bipolar II and so looked at it as the extrememedication. Almost as if only those who were “truly crazy” took it. Not a fair, nor appropriate perception but, I was scared. And, rightfully so! If one has any level of knowledge concerning Bipolar I it fast becomes apparent that the illness rips apart its victim.

Note: For any reader who is suffering from this illness or another mental illness I want to make sure and tell you that: None of what I am saying here is meant to disqualify or minimize your particular experience and disease. I seek only to relate to you my mind set through the journey of awareness. Any illness, whether mental or physical- there’s an oxymoron for you- creates its own unique challenges for each person. These challenges are valid. These are to be respected by myself, you and others. We are all in our own battles and to support each other in these is our highest calling!

With the knowledge that I did NOT have Bipolar I but II, I sub-consciously came to the erroneous conclusion that, if I was ever put on Lithium then I had reached an extreme level. Almost like the illness had become so bad that my life may be irreparably screwed up. More like, that I was screwed up. As it has been exemplified, I haven’t had the most optimistic outlook on Lithium.

Placing my personal feelings aside let’s just look at the drug impartially. It has side effects of cognitive impairment in memory and speed of information processing. It can cause weight gain by the fact that the drug is derived from an iodine base. Thus, a person can have “dry mouth”, water retention and edema.

* Five hours later due to work distraction*

There is a lot more to it but, my brain has become tired and I’ll have to finish summarizing my research later. Perhaps my mind is tired due to being on the medication? *ironic but mischievous smile*

Plus, this post is becoming more like an entire chapter of a book rather then just a post on a blog… Ah well, I enjoy sharing my thoughts. I especially appreciate the thought that you, whom ever you may be, are sharing in them. Like I said, I really don’t like writing to an empty page or talking to an empty room!

So, my time has come to a close. It’s 4:57pm. The work day is over and I’m off to some other adventure! Namely; experiencing a yoga class for the first time. I don’t have a car so; I’ve succeeded in dragging my friend along with me. Who of course DOES have a car. It’s seriously such a drag not having a car. Anyways! I must go. I hope you have had, or are having, a lovely day!