I wish I was done with this shity job. I've lost motivation. Just to put it out there plain and simple. Also, I really haven't found a decent reason as to why I should try and get any back. No one cares and frankly, I haven't any reason to care either.
I went to WWU today and started working on getting my classes figured out. That is, those that I can take at CC and those I will have to take at WWU. I'm quite proud of myself for finally getting that done. Paul had me promise to do it today and I kept my promise. I do hate promises. If I don't keep them then I feel incredibly guilty and since I'm not great at keeping promises then… I have to deal with a lot of guilt. And I know, not making promises to escape guilt isn't probably the greatest tactic, in fact; it's probably downright ineffective but……. Right now that's how I'm working and I'm tired of trying to fix things.
You know, I am far to suggestive. I think dating Paul has affected me in far more areas then I've realized. For starters, he thinks and reacts to life far differently than I do. I don't think I like that; sub-consciously that is. I'm insecure about myself, I want things to all ways be in unison and flowing so, if I do something different then the way the person does that I like and trust I think that I must change how I do it. For some reason, I believe that their way is better than mine. Or, if mine is better than they should be like me. And you know, in a lot of ways I feel that that is the way my dad has dealt with me and I feel he deals with others. Logic logic logic.
I don't know. If some way I don't WANT to like Paul, I don't WANT to want to be in a relationship because it is starting to bring up more and more and more of all the ways I'm dysfunctional. And I'm fighting against it internally. I'm also sensing that I'm fighting against it more than usual because Paul doesn't have "as many supposed problems" and doesn't have to be so purposeful in having a happy life. He just lives and is able to appear worry free. He's never been to counseling, he doesn't talk to his parents about all of the stuff that he sees has gone wrong in his family, he doesn't think and ponder about himself and life all of the time, he doesn't analyze and judge people's actions. (Yes, I catch myself far too many times judging and not just assessing…)
I'm having a hard time accepting that we think differently. I want to think exactly alike. I want to make sure that the way I'm thinking is ok because well, if he's thinking that way then it must be ok. Yeah, that's the way my brain is thinking and it's not healthy I know… I'm sure that comes from the fact that I revered Dad so much that his way of thinking became law in my mind and so now that translates to how I expect guys would view me and react to me. I'm so messed up. And I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!
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