Now, for the big red bow!
I should warn you though, that as can be seen by part 2, I'm having a really hard time holding my thoughts together through all of this. I'm not sure why either, perhaps it's simply because my mind is distracted by a certain someone? But, I really don't know for sure knowing my little brain and all of the weird things that take place in side! I do know that I really want to get these thoughts out and wrap this whole thing up and if I don't I will be very irritated! So, time to plunge on.
Synopsis: I started freaking out about being asked out by Edmund so quickly. I talked to my counselor about it and she abated my worries. I then went on to explain my reasoning behind my casual dating and what caused me to date so much. Now, I'm back to trying to describe how I'm going to implement a healthy growth in a relationship without losing my independence. Good heavens, will I ever get past that part?!
I think I should start off by saying that, when a man respects a woman, when he truly wants to know her: personality, interests, values, likes, dislikes, past & present concerns and needs; the relationship will proceed at a healthy pace. I believe that is how I and Edmund's relationship will play out; that being said in lieu of the fact that we've only been dating one week and two days. I'm not counting or anything like that.
Dang it! I got called to the front and I've lost my train of thought! Now I'm going to have to try and pull them all together again…Maybe I should just start to babble on about how much I like him… All of the marvelous qualities I'm starting to see in him, how it's so unbelievable that I can see such intense care for me in his eyes, how my heart is starting to fall for him though having known him for only a month and not even knowing of his existence for more than 2 months!
How can this be?! I was so certain of my singleness. I was so certain that I needed more time to heal: I was too messed up, carried too much baggage to go into a relationship, I needed more time, I needed to be more "together" before someone could like me.
Now look at me! I can barely hold together multiple paragraphs because of lack of sleep from talking with him on the phone, staying up late on weekends talking about anything that comes to mind, and being distracted all day by texts or thoughts of him all day.
The odd thing about it all is that, believe it or not, it's not an obsession. I can still think about other things. I'm still productive. I don't feel needy, in that if I don't get to talk to him or even if I do talk to him I can let him go. There's no unsettled need or fear for connection or that something is misplaced. Believe me, after Indecisive (the name for my ex-boyfriend) I can quickly pin point if I am feeling needy or unsettled. I'm starting to have this sneaking suspicion that, the reason I want to spend time with him is because well, I actually like him. Perhaps, just perhaps, he actually does have the qualities that I need, that I want. Ok, so I wouldn't be dating him if there wasn't A LOT there already. Sure, it is incredibly flattering to a girl to be swept off her feet. But, I could never be swept off my feet to such a point that I didn't know if there was enough there to make a good start. I think I'm just still finding it hard to believe that what I'm seeing is actually there! I catch myself being so happy and myself; finding the things I like in him and then stopping myself and wondering: I'm just making it all up? Perhaps I've idealized everything already, idealized him to be what I want and need? Yes, I'm back to where I started: back to the need to take things slow and steady.
It's crazy though! Last weekend, our first weekend together as a couple, was so unlike any weekend I've had with a man. He was such a gentleman. He was respectful of my physical boundaries. He wasn't respectful of them just because I needed them no; I believe he was respectful of them because he also respected himself. Strange concept eh? A person can only respect others as far as their respect goes for themselves. I conceived this philosophy out of my experience and the guidance Christ gave us:
"Do for others what you would do for yourself."
If we don't know how to love ourselves, respect, honor, appreciate who we are as Christ's children, how can we expect to know how to treat others? True, at times it is easier to treat others better then we do ourselves but, we will quickly dry up if we do not nourish ourselves with Christ's love. We give as it has been given to us. Whatever comes to us comes through us: almost as if God pours His love through our veins first before it can bleed out to others. Remember, God's love comes in so many shades and facets. It can be in the form of a house, clothing, food, emotional support, friends, exercise, a new book, whatever those things might be to keep us strong and emotionally healthy.
Mr. Indecisive respected me only from the belief that he was "bad" and I was "good". He couldn't find anything in himself to respect and there by to motivate him to healthier habits. He tried to shape his choices and behavior from the idea that I needed that of him and somehow that knowledge would change him. The only thing that transpired from that belief was guilt and shame for him and pressure on me to be what he needed so he could change. I entered the relationship very conscious of the fact that many people enter into a relationship and expect the person to change over time. I was determined to not succumb to such an illogical concept. However, I had no idea how many other ways a person can expect change. Imperceptibly I expected change through his simple desiring for change. I thought I wasn't changing him if I didn't look for the change and only looked for the desire to change. I assumed that, if a person has such a desire they will naturally grow. How can someone want something and then it not happen? That definitely wasn't a concept I had become familiar with. I have always demanded growth, change, and learning of myself. If I'm not growing, if I'm not learning then, I know I'm doing something most decidedly wrong and it's time to change directions and thought patterns. I have since learned that not all have this priority in their life.
After coming to these realizations about myself and how Mr. Indecisive worked I realized I must maintain myself no matter what. If the other person couldn't think for themselves, if they hadn't assessed their values, if they hadn't yet become who they liked then they weren't worth my time. I may not be completely who I'd like to be but, at least I know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there!
I am starting to come to the tentative idea that I think I'm correct in concluding that Edmond does have these things. Unfortunately, I'm still "gun" shy of trusting my perceptions of guys. I've experienced far too many instances of people, jobs, and perceptions crumbling before my eyes. It's traumatic and I'm tired of it. My only plan of attack right now is to soak him and everything else in. Just let whatever happens, whoever he is, just pour over me. To learn to be ok with how I react to things and who I am in this relationship right here, right now. I don't need to feel guilty about how or why I react to things in the way I do. I will simply enjoy the innocence of attraction, seek to truly see him, and enjoy our relationship.
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