"To implement it in an appropriate manner and stick with it."
To "rewind".
To "rewind".
Yeah, I don't think any of that has happened.
Oh, and before I go on, I must say I've been trying to stay way from such things as: lol, btw, hehe, fyi, :) ;) :D :/ etc etc.
I feel that these are unprofessional and should be kept to more casual conversations and online chatting. However, sometimes I can't quite figure out how to express my enjoyment of a thought any other way. I don't want to be excessive when using exclamation points because that can just get a little wearing and over the top. Seriously, too many of them can make one feel like they should be on caffeine or something with all of the excitement they demand. So, how can I be more expressive in my writing without compromising my professionalism and not demanding to much of an emotional response from you, my reader? What about this? * a questioning look*, *mischievous smile* etc Do you think that would be ok? Or is that simply the same thing? Well, for now I will stick to those but, use them only in very important cases.
Back to the more important discussion at hand...
After all of my stressing out, chatting with my little Puerto Rican and writing you a book... I finally came to the counseling appointment with Diana that Thursday evening. Now, I call her Diana because, I have repeatedly called her this though her name is drastically different. I hope however, that I haven't jinxed myself and I now will forever fight the urge to call her Diana instead of her real name!
She's an amazing counselor. I am so blessed to have found her. Which by the way, I found her by calling every single female counselor in town... Then; by analyzing how they interacted with me over the phone- what they said and how they said it- and over their voicemail I started weeding them out. Then, I heard Diana's voicemail and felt very comfortable with it. Especially after she went to great lengths to connect with my insurance and determine whether or not I could obtain counseling from her and the cost of it. When I first started with her I was in such dire straights emotionally I had two sessions a week. That was so needed and, after my insurance I don't have to cover a single penny of the sessions! Heck, I could have a session every night at that rate.
Anyways! Back to my original topic!
I laid the whole situation out to her. I had to catch her up as to how Valentine's weekend went. But, I had been keeping her posted on everything else up to that point so that, by the time I got to all of my misgivings, she had a pretty clear idea has to who he was. So, as I'm sharing with her my fears and concerns about him, while at the same time sharing all of the good things he had demonstrated, she starts raising her hand up. Finally, after the second time of her doing this, I start laughing and ask her what the heck she's doing! She's says, "I'm casting my vote"! We both laughed so hard since, it also looked very much like she was bidding as well. *a big smile of memory* I shared with her then how it really scared me though that he asked me to be his girlfriend so quickly. I knew I wanted to be his girlfriend and yet, like I have already thoroughly expounded upon, I was concerned that it wasn't a wise decision and perhaps I should tell him we should be "just friends" for a while longer. She immediately advised against this saying that the only thing Edmond would hear is that I didn't like him. I decided that definitely wasn't true and didn't want to risk losing him so, trounced that idea as well.
So, I came up with another misgiving: perhaps the only reason he asked me out so quickly was simply because he was just carried away with the idea of having a girlfriend. That he hadn't really stopped and considered what he was doing? She squashed that idea as well. She felt that the primary reason he asked me out so quickly was because he was afraid of losing me to someone else. I laughed at this thought because, quite frankly, I couldn't see any reason he should be afraid of this! I mean, I have been doing quite a bit of casual dating. However, I have quickly determined that, from the prospects that have come my way, none of them were right for me and it didn't look like there were any coming along anytime soon. Besides, like I said, I have been enjoying my independence immensely! The only reason I have been doing so much casual dating is well, for the heck of it! Well, also because I thought if was good for me to "test out myself" with other personalities. A lot has been going on for me in the past four months and most of it not pleasant either. I have needed interesting distractions. Going on casual dates was an easily obtainable distraction that provided an immense amount of things that would keep my mind busy i.e. analyzing. I would actually challenge myself to see how fast I could assess someone and figure out whether we would make a good match or not! The poor gentlemen... if only they knew!
I'm not sure if I mentioned this but, one of the symptoms of either hypomania or depression is the inability to concentrate. Well actually, let me define each side in more detail. Hypomania causes excessive energy in the brain which produces racing thoughts and feelings of euphoria. Depending on the intensity of the mania is the intensity of the euphoria. A person will start to think faster, feel things with greater intensity, need little to no sleep, have higher amounts of physical energy, high sex drive, there can be aggression as well, and creativity and ideals become heightened to points of excess or even delusions. Depression: is the opposite of everything described above however, there is a type of depression that can be loosely termed "energetic" depression. Meaning that, though the brain's mental energy is compromised the individual can still have energy, though in negative ways. It usually comes out in forms of aggression; verbally or perhaps physically to one's self or others.
In my case, in regards to dating and such, my depression was starting to become aggressive mentally and verbally. I was switching between a sever apathy towards other's behaviors and presence then, extreme annoyance and impatience towards their actions. People couldn't talk fast enough, move fast enough, be efficient enough! They were getting in the way of life being able to move on! I was able to keep myself under wraps considerably well but, I was constantly stressed and tense inside. It takes a lot of energy to constantly contain one's own actions and restrain "natural" impulses. Besides that, I had to sort through all of these to make sure I was still being me. While at the same time not displaying inappropriate behavior to alienate friends and family.
Now, to tie this into what I was saying about dating, Edmond, being a hot item, independence... all that stuff. *mischievous smile* So, I'm casually dating and yet experiencing intense boredom and internal pressure but, realizing that dating was a way to release mental pressure. Being able to hang out with different people all of the time allowed me to experience freedom in my behavior. If I did something that I didn't like or they didn't like it really didn't matter. I usually had figured out by the end of the first date that we wouldn't work out anyways and so the probability of seeing them again was low. There was essentially no risk of being rejected because I could handle being what I wanted to be for a few hours. Mean while, being thoroughly entertained by watching them react to me and recognizing that I had the situation in my hands. After all, knowledge is power and most people do not realize how much they tell about themselves through minuit behaviors. It feels good to know one is in control of a situation. Especially if one feels so out of control in every other single aspect of their life. And that was exactly where I was at when Edmond came along.
And now, I'm exactly 5 minutes to the end of my work day and I STILL haven't wrapped up my thought that I've started and restarted half a dozen times.
Sorry... I promise I will completely wrap this up in the next post; big red bow and everything!
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