(…the deeper thoughts)
Now, for the "real" stuff: all of the previous was the nuts and bolts; the story that will, hopefully, explain all of my current musings.
I'm a little over-whelmed. It has all happened so fast! It's fun to hangout with him, to get to know him, experience things, be pampered but, I think I still want my independence. I don't want to feel that every weekend I need to correlate schedules; make sure I don't hangout with guys; make a conscious effort to have girl time etc etc. I've started to really enjoy just going with the flow. In some ways it's nice to think of having a boyfriend. But, that is really only because then I don't have to worry about being bored or lonely. Perhaps though it's good for me to go through those times; it is helping me to grow stronger in who I am, to learn how to be content and grow patiently in life with God.
"A decision made from fear is always a selfish one".
I think perhaps my saying yes was made out of fear. Fear, that I would disappoint him. Fear, that I would hurt him. Fear, that I would burst his bubble of exuberance. Fear, that I would disappoint his parents and friends. Fear, that I really did like him and the only reason I was feeling fear was because of past relationships. Fear, that I would miss out on something amazing if I said no.
The ironic thing is that two weeks ago, these were the exact questions/fears I did not want to face. I have been enjoying my freedom of singledom. I can come and go with whomever I please whenever I please. I can be curiously interested in multiple guys just for the heck of it. I have a blast exploring different types of people and right now, different types of guys. Who knows who's around the next bend! The endless possibilities are intoxicating!
So, the question I ask myself now, with all of those self-revelations is: do I really want to be dating? More specifically: do I want to date Edmund Smith? (Such a strong anonymous English name don't you think?)
My initial reaction right now is: No. Not if it means sacrificing my freedom. Not if it means feeling pressure to meet his level of interest in me. For the plain and simple truth is: I don't have it. I like him, yes. I'm attracted to him, definitely. Personality? Mmm, there are a couple of things I'm not sure on. To put it simply, I'm not as exuberant about this whole thing as he is. And that is precisely the knowledge that scares me.
Something that I have been asking myself is: what if another guy did the same things he has done? Would I have the same reaction? There's a gentleman that I have been hanging out with whom I get along with fabulously. We're both Psychology majors and talk the same language and philosophize till the cows come home. We can tease each other, give each other a hard time, and I can get him to react. Those are two very important things to me: philosophy and reactions. Philosophy because: I can challenge my mind, brainstorm and generate solutions to imaginary problems. I do it naturally all of the time! Reactions: I like to see people's emotions and how they relate to life. I want to know what draws their attention and pushes their buttons. Now, pushing buttons can also mean positive buttons as well…The question now is: does Edmund react & philosophize? And, how quickly can I figure that out? Honestly, I'd love to figure that out by the end of this coming weekend. Yet, what if that isn't a fair determination to make in a weekend? Perhaps he does but, it's not something he does readily because of social obligations? However, I philosophize regardless of who I am around. I also seek out those whom I can talk with on that level so… I think I just blew that excuse out of the water.
One thing I did learn is that it doesn't seem like his family has deep conversations all that much. We talked about how he was raised religiously; family worships, bible studies, Sabbath activities and such. It was really interesting because in essence it sounded very similar to my background and yet, drastically different. I believe the biggest difference comes from his parent's marriage. These two may not seem directly correlated at first glance but, from watching my parents relationship and then my friend's parents I believe there is a direct connection- more on that later though. So yes, his family placed significant importance to spiritual things but yet, they don't seem to relate to it on the other levels like my dad does. They take it for what it is: simple and holistically but, do not seem to generalize it on the level I and my dad do.
So, I don't know… But! Thank heavens it's Thursday today! I can take all of these endless musings to my counselor. Lay them all out for her and hope she can shed some light on them!
My little Puerto Rican has been helping me but, she herself just got through a rather roller coaster section in her relationship and even though all of what she said made sense… I'm going to be sure and get feedback from the "older" friends in my life. Oh, and her feedback? That Edmund asked me far too soon and that he's just acting a little bit to fast. Considering we have hardly known each other! But, she feels that if I simply expressed my concerns to Edmund that the relationship could precede at a healthy rate and it wouldn't need to be completely severed, just a wee bit of rewind is in order. I definitely agree with all of this, the only challenge being: how to implement it in the appropriate manner and actually stick with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment