So, I've kept my promise! Once a month! Though perhaps it was more like a semi-promise, which ever, here I am! I'm not sure when exactly I started the blog and first posted so, guesstimation will have to do. All I know is that, the internet regulations at work have been significantly altered and I can't actually go to the blog site anymore. So, now I have to post via email. It really is a drag but, at least I can still keep my semi-promise!
(Don’t laugh at my semi-promise’s! That’s not nice. At least I’m tryyying to keep one.)
Now wow, where should I start in catching up? The first thing that comes to mind is my doctor's appointment. I went to a new Psychiatrist on the 25th last month. My counselor wanted me to go about two months prior but, honestly, whoever wants to go to the Doctor's? Ok, I guess I use to but, I've already gone through going on a different med and getting all screwed up and I've been working very hard at avoiding such an experience again. However, things have reached a point where the illness can't be ignored any longer. Not that I was ignoring it before, I was just working my butt off to keep it steady by myself. Catch up: I've been diagnosed for a little over two years now. Did I already tell you that? Well, can't check since I can't view the site so, anyways! I was put on Lamictal in October of when I was diagnosed. This worked well until the start of February or so. Then I started to have ADD and depression and other miscellaneous symptoms and it was determined that I was *rapid-cycling: as opposed to simply *cycling. So, around the end of March my Psychiatrist in Nebraska -I've moved since then- decided to try Abilify on me.
On me? With me? Hmm, I'll have to see which phrasing I like better.
Anyways, it worked well until around the beginning of July. At this time I was on vacation visiting my childhood best friend whom I hadn't seen for a couple of years. I was so excited to spend time with her! We are both very creative and I was looking forward to painting, drawing, long philosophical conversations, photography... all of the things that make a vacation a vacation for me! But, I started to get depressed. By the last few days of my time with her I was experiencing severe *flat-affect.
cycling: when there are fewer then 4 cycles in a year. A cycle being down-up or up-down one consecutive time. For some individuals, there are only two severe cycles in a year. These tend to take place in the spring and fall for the individual. (Severity being rated according to the debilitation of the individual; Bipolar I is usually more severe- more on this later as well.)
Rapid-cycling: when the depression and mania cycle more then 4 times a year. Rapid-cycling can be where a person has multiple cycles in a month. However, if the cycles reach a more rapid rate consistently then it is diagnosed as:
Cyclical Bipolar: a person cycles as rapidly as days or even minutes of time. Up one day, down the next as well as up one minute, down the next minute; sounds hellish doesn’t it? I praise God I only have experienced rapid-cycling so far!
Flat-affect: a mood where the brain is neither manic nor depressive. Stimuli are taken in but, there is very little to no reaction from the brain. Flat-affect is determined by how a person reacts emotionally in a given situation by a person experiencing no depression. In other words: I scare you, you scream. I scare a flat-affected person they may have little to no reaction to the jarring stimuli.
Now that we’ve gotten some definitions out of the way… back to my story! As my vacation was coming to a close I decided that my mood wasn’t just circumstantial- I was also going through crap from my boyfriend at the time, ex mind you- I then called my Psychiatrist and told him that I believed the Abilify wasn’t working and needed to go off of it. He agreed and I weaned myself off and swore to never take the stuff again!
A note to you, my reader: don’t EVER go off of a medication without discussing this thoroughly with your physician.Especially if it is a psychotropic medication the effects to the body and brain may have dire consequences. Ok, I’m off my soap box.
Ever since the time of ending the Abilify I have only taken Lamictal. That has been now oh, about a year and a half? And, up until November, I thought I was doing pretty good! Last spring I experienced depression but, I felt that it was situational due to my being weak from the illness and experiencing sever stress. You know, you-twist-your-ankle-again-
Now it comes to November.. December.. January… and my expectation of my job is fast going down the tubes and the red on my stress o’meter is rising rapidly and my counselor wants me to go see a Psychiatrist again. For good reason I know. I was depressed, experienced a couple of anxiety attacks, and the last drop in the bucket: the beginning of January she, the counselor, said she saw me cycling about every two weeks. That opened my eyes sufficiently to see I wasn’t able to keep the illness in control just by natural remedies. So, I booked an appointment with the Psychiatrist she recommended and, wala! Here I am!
Placed on good ol’ Lithium.
When I was first diagnosed I immediately plunged into the world of Google Scholar and Psychological Journals. I was scared. Perhaps even the word petrified would be appropriate. I mean, who the hell wants to discover that something is messing with your brain; your MIND, and you don’t have a say in the matter?!?! (Pardon my French. ((I love that phrase by the way. My being part French may have something to do with it.))
As I was researching I kept coming across the medication Lithium. It fast became apparent that it was the most commonly prescribed medication for Bipolar I. However, I was diagnosed Bipolar II and so looked at it as the extrememedication. Almost as if only those who were “truly crazy” took it. Not a fair, nor appropriate perception but, I was scared. And, rightfully so! If one has any level of knowledge concerning Bipolar I it fast becomes apparent that the illness rips apart its victim.
Note: For any reader who is suffering from this illness or another mental illness I want to make sure and tell you that: None of what I am saying here is meant to disqualify or minimize your particular experience and disease. I seek only to relate to you my mind set through the journey of awareness. Any illness, whether mental or physical- there’s an oxymoron for you- creates its own unique challenges for each person. These challenges are valid. These are to be respected by myself, you and others. We are all in our own battles and to support each other in these is our highest calling!
With the knowledge that I did NOT have Bipolar I but II, I sub-consciously came to the erroneous conclusion that, if I was ever put on Lithium then I had reached an extreme level. Almost like the illness had become so bad that my life may be irreparably screwed up. More like, that I was screwed up. As it has been exemplified, I haven’t had the most optimistic outlook on Lithium.
Placing my personal feelings aside let’s just look at the drug impartially. It has side effects of cognitive impairment in memory and speed of information processing. It can cause weight gain by the fact that the drug is derived from an iodine base. Thus, a person can have “dry mouth”, water retention and edema.
* Five hours later due to work distraction*
There is a lot more to it but, my brain has become tired and I’ll have to finish summarizing my research later. Perhaps my mind is tired due to being on the medication? *ironic but mischievous smile*
Plus, this post is becoming more like an entire chapter of a book rather then just a post on a blog… Ah well, I enjoy sharing my thoughts. I especially appreciate the thought that you, whom ever you may be, are sharing in them. Like I said, I really don’t like writing to an empty page or talking to an empty room!
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