Punct,u,a,ted. Blogging.

I think I'm becoming addicted!

To blogging that is... *contented laugh*

  I'm really enjoying being able to express my ideas and thoughts so freely and TOO someone better yet! Also, it's a challenge to me to see what ways I can manipulate punctuation to better exemplify how I would express things verbally. Though most times I really have no clue if I'm actually being grammatically correct. So, I really do hope that you aren't an English major! *laughing* I know I learn better by just doing so that is well, what I'm doing! Take that sentence for example: should it be punctuated "... by just doing so, that is well, what I'm doing"  or should it be: "...by just doing so, that is well what I'm doing." I accented the "well" because that is what I was wanting to have punctuated to express the fact that I'm doing something and obviously I have carried that out; obviously... Perhaps I need to go back and take Grammar 101. Now that I have found an actual need for the information. Funny thing is; I did quite well on the ACT tests and other random ones that test you in English. Actually, I did better in that area then all others, beside's reading that is.

  I did my Senior year for High School in Canada and so, besides needing to take the ACT for US school requirements, I also had to take Canada's version. I don't have the faintest memory of what it's called if you were wondering... sorry. Well actually, Canada's test was specifically for Senior testing. They require them to make sure that those who are graduating actually have obtained an education to qualify for obtaining a high school diploma. I'm 85% sure that the US has something like this but, Canada's is definitely a test of knowledge on all levels. For example: the English part required you to read a story and then write a short essay on it. Then you moved on to a poem and did the same thing only that they were very strict on having you obtain an actually original idea from the poem. The last part consisted of either 2 or 3 questions on which you needed to write a short essay on. You were then tested on thought construction and flow, punctuation, grammar, and spelling, not to mention, whether or not you wrote anything worth reading! Frankly, I found it a whole lot of fun and a nice challenge! I don't remember my score only that I was quite pleased with it and it gave me courage to know I could write quite decently.

  But alas, I don't have a specific way of assessing how well the writing in this blog is; except possibly through how many readers I have and feedback from you. Ah well, I have maaany more years of school ahead of me and I'm sure all of the dots, dashes & semi circles will be ironed out in time! Or atleast I will enjoy lots of pretty red marks...

  For now I will relish obtaining free tutoring from myself!   

When you say "Yes". But you meant "No". Can that then mean "Wait"? Part 3

Now, for the big red bow!  

I should warn you though, that as can be seen by part 2, I'm having a really hard time holding my thoughts together through all of this. I'm not sure why either, perhaps it's simply because my mind is distracted by a certain someone? But, I really don't know for sure knowing my little brain and all of the weird things that take place in side! I do know that I really want to get these thoughts out and wrap this whole thing up and if I don't I will be very irritated! So, time to plunge on.

  Synopsis: I started freaking out about being asked out by Edmund so quickly. I talked to my counselor about it and she abated my worries. I then went on to explain my reasoning behind my casual dating and what caused me to date so much. Now, I'm back to trying to describe how I'm going to implement a healthy growth in a relationship without losing my independence. Good heavens, will I ever get past that part?!

  I think I should start off by saying that, when a man respects a woman, when he truly wants to know her: personality, interests, values, likes, dislikes, past & present concerns and needs; the relationship will proceed at a healthy pace. I believe that is how I and Edmund's relationship will play out; that being said in lieu of the fact that we've only been dating one week and two days. I'm not counting or anything like that.

  Dang it! I got called to the front and I've lost my train of thought! Now I'm going to have to try and pull them all together again…Maybe I should just start to babble on about how much I like him… All of the marvelous qualities I'm starting to see in him, how it's so unbelievable that I can see such intense care for me in his eyes, how my heart is starting to fall for him though having known him for only a month and not even knowing of his existence for more than 2 months!

  How can this be?! I was so certain of my singleness. I was so certain that I needed more time to heal: I was too messed up, carried too much baggage to go into a relationship, I    needed more time, I needed to be more "together" before someone could like me.            

 Now look at me! I can barely hold together multiple paragraphs because of lack of sleep from talking with him on the phone, staying up late on weekends talking about anything that comes to mind, and being distracted all day by texts or thoughts of him all day.

  The odd thing about it all is that, believe it or not, it's not an obsession. I can still think about other things. I'm still productive. I don't feel needy, in that if I don't get to talk to him or even if I do talk to him I can let him go. There's no unsettled need or fear for connection or that something is misplaced. Believe me, after Indecisive (the name for my ex-boyfriend) I can quickly pin point if I am feeling needy or unsettled. I'm starting to have this sneaking suspicion that, the reason I want to spend time with him is because well, I actually like him. Perhaps, just perhaps, he actually does have the qualities that I need, that I want. Ok, so I wouldn't be dating him if there wasn't A LOT there already. Sure, it is incredibly flattering to a girl to be swept off her feet. But, I could never be swept off my feet to such a point that I didn't know if there was enough there to make a good start. I think I'm just still finding it hard to believe that what I'm seeing is actually there! I catch myself being so happy and myself; finding the things I like in him and then stopping myself and wondering: I'm just making it all up? Perhaps I've idealized everything already, idealized him to be what I want and need? Yes, I'm back to where I started: back to the need to take things slow and steady.

  It's crazy though! Last weekend, our first weekend together as a couple, was so unlike any weekend I've had with a man. He was such a gentleman. He was respectful of my physical boundaries. He wasn't respectful of them just because I needed them no; I believe he was respectful of them because he also respected himself. Strange concept eh? A person can only respect others as far as their respect goes for themselves. I conceived this philosophy out of my experience and the guidance Christ gave us:

"Do for others what you would do for yourself."

  If we don't know how to love ourselves, respect, honor, appreciate who we are as Christ's children, how can we expect to know how to treat others? True, at times it is easier to treat others better then we do ourselves but, we will quickly dry up if we do not nourish ourselves with Christ's love. We give as it has been given to us. Whatever comes to us comes through us: almost as if God pours His love through our veins first before it can bleed out to others. Remember, God's love comes in so many shades and facets. It can be in the form of a house, clothing, food, emotional support, friends, exercise, a new book, whatever those things might be to keep us strong and emotionally healthy.

  Mr. Indecisive respected me only from the belief that he was "bad" and I was "good". He couldn't find anything in himself to respect and there by to motivate him to healthier habits. He tried to shape his choices and behavior from the idea that I needed that of him and somehow that knowledge would change him. The only thing that transpired from that belief was guilt and shame for him and pressure on me to be what he needed so he could change. I entered the relationship very conscious of the fact that many people enter into a relationship and expect the person to change over time. I was determined to not succumb to such an illogical concept. However, I had no idea how many other ways a person can expect change. Imperceptibly I expected change through his simple desiring for change. I thought I wasn't changing him if I didn't look for the change and only looked for the desire to change. I assumed that, if a person has such a desire they will naturally grow. How can someone want something and then it not happen? That definitely wasn't a concept I had become familiar with. I have always demanded growth, change, and learning of myself. If I'm not growing, if I'm not learning then, I know I'm doing something most decidedly wrong and it's time to change directions and thought patterns. I have since learned that not all have this priority in their life.

After coming to these realizations about myself and how Mr. Indecisive worked I realized I must maintain myself no matter what. If the other person couldn't think for themselves, if they hadn't assessed their values, if they hadn't yet become who they liked then they weren't worth my time. I may not be completely who I'd like to be but, at least I know where I'm going and how I'm going to get there!

  I am starting to come to the tentative idea that I think I'm correct in concluding that Edmond does have these things. Unfortunately, I'm still "gun" shy of trusting my perceptions of guys. I've experienced far too many instances of people, jobs, and perceptions crumbling before my eyes. It's traumatic and I'm tired of it. My only plan of attack right now is to soak him and everything else in. Just let whatever happens, whoever he is, just pour over me. To learn to be ok with how I react to things and who I am in this relationship right here, right now. I don't need to feel guilty about how or why I react to things in the way I do. I will simply enjoy the innocence of attraction, seek to truly see him, and enjoy our relationship.

So, can "Yes" mean "No"? And therefore "No" mean "Wait"? I think so. It all has to do with implementation...

When you say "Yes". But you meant "No". Can that then mean "Wait"? Part 2

"To implement it in an appropriate manner and stick with it."
To "rewind".

Yeah, I don't think any of that has happened.

Oh, and before I go on, I must say I've been trying to stay way from such things as: lol, btw, hehe, fyi, :) ;) :D :/ etc etc.

  I feel that these are unprofessional and should be kept to more casual conversations and online chatting. However, sometimes I can't quite figure out how to express my enjoyment of a thought any other way. I don't want to be excessive when using exclamation points because that can just get a little wearing and over the top. Seriously, too many of them can make one feel like they should be on caffeine or something with all of the excitement they demand. So, how can I be more expressive in my writing without compromising my professionalism and not demanding to much of an emotional response from you, my reader? What about this? * a questioning look*, *mischievous smile* etc Do you think that would be ok? Or is that simply the same thing? Well, for now I will stick to those but, use them only in very important cases.

Back to the more important discussion at hand...

  After all of my stressing out, chatting with my little Puerto Rican and writing you a book... I finally came to the counseling appointment with Diana that Thursday evening. Now, I call her Diana because, I have repeatedly called her this though her name is drastically different. I hope however, that I haven't jinxed myself and I now will forever fight the urge to call her Diana instead of her real name!

  She's an amazing counselor. I am so blessed to have found her. Which by the way, I found her by calling every single female counselor in town... Then; by analyzing how they interacted with me over the phone- what they said and how they said it-  and over their voicemail I started weeding them out. Then, I heard Diana's voicemail and felt very comfortable with it. Especially after she went to great lengths to connect with my insurance and determine whether or not I could obtain counseling from her and the cost of it. When I first started with her I was in such dire straights emotionally I had two sessions a week. That was so needed and, after my insurance I don't have to cover a single penny of the sessions! Heck, I could have a session every night at that rate.

Anyways! Back to my original topic! 

  I laid the whole situation out to her. I had to catch her up as to how Valentine's weekend went. But, I had been keeping her posted on everything else up to that point so that, by the time I got to all of my misgivings, she had a pretty clear idea has to who he was. So, as I'm sharing with her my fears and concerns about him, while at the same time sharing all of the good things he had demonstrated, she starts raising her hand up. Finally, after the second time of her doing this, I start laughing and ask her what the heck she's doing! She's says, "I'm casting my vote"! We both laughed so hard since, it also looked very much like she was bidding as well. *a big smile of memory* I shared with her then how it really scared me though that he asked me to be his girlfriend so quickly. I knew I wanted to be his girlfriend and yet, like I have already thoroughly expounded upon, I was concerned that it wasn't a wise decision and perhaps I should tell him we should be "just friends" for a while longer. She immediately advised against this saying that the only thing Edmond would hear is that I didn't like him. I decided that definitely wasn't true and didn't want to risk losing him so, trounced that idea as well.

  So, I came up with another misgiving: perhaps the only reason he asked me out so quickly was simply because he was just carried away with the idea of having a girlfriend. That he hadn't really stopped and considered what he was doing? She squashed that idea as well. She felt that the primary reason he asked me out so quickly was because he was afraid of losing me to someone else. I laughed at this thought because, quite frankly, I couldn't see any reason he should be afraid of this! I mean, I have been doing quite a bit of casual dating. However, I have quickly determined that, from the prospects that have come my way, none of them were right for me and it didn't look like there were any coming along anytime soon. Besides, like I said, I have been enjoying my independence immensely! The only reason I have been doing so much casual dating is well, for the heck of it! Well, also because I thought if was good for me to "test out myself" with other personalities. A lot has been going on for me in the past four months and most of it not pleasant either. I have needed interesting distractions. Going on casual dates was an easily obtainable distraction that provided an immense amount of things that would keep my mind busy i.e. analyzing. I would actually challenge myself to see how fast I could assess someone and figure out whether we would make a good match or not! The poor gentlemen... if only they knew!

  I'm not sure if I mentioned this but, one of the symptoms of either hypomania or depression is the inability to concentrate. Well actually, let me define each side in more detail. Hypomania causes excessive energy in the brain which produces racing thoughts and feelings of euphoria. Depending on the intensity of the mania is the intensity of the euphoria. A person will start to think faster, feel things with greater intensity, need little to no sleep, have higher amounts of physical energy, high sex drive, there can be aggression as well, and creativity and ideals become heightened to points of excess or even delusions. Depression: is the opposite of everything described above however, there is a type of depression that can be loosely termed "energetic" depression. Meaning that, though the brain's mental energy is compromised the individual can still have energy, though in negative ways. It usually comes out in forms of aggression; verbally or perhaps physically to one's self or others.

  In my case, in regards to dating and such, my depression was starting to become aggressive mentally and verbally. I was switching between a sever apathy towards other's behaviors and presence then, extreme annoyance and impatience towards their actions. People couldn't talk fast enough, move fast enough, be efficient enough! They were getting in the way of life being able to move on! I was able to keep myself under wraps considerably well but, I was constantly stressed and tense inside. It takes a lot of energy to constantly contain one's own actions and restrain "natural" impulses. Besides that, I had to sort through all of these to make sure I was still being me. While at the same time not displaying inappropriate behavior to alienate friends and family.

  Now, to tie this into what I was saying about dating, Edmond, being a hot item, independence... all that stuff. *mischievous smile*  So, I'm casually dating and yet experiencing intense boredom and internal pressure but, realizing that dating was a way to release mental pressure. Being able to hang out with different people all of the time allowed me to experience freedom in my behavior. If I did something that I didn't like or they didn't like it really didn't matter. I usually had figured out by the end of the first date that we wouldn't work out anyways and so the probability of seeing them again was low. There was essentially no risk of being rejected because I could handle being what I wanted to be for a few hours. Mean while, being thoroughly entertained by watching them react to me and recognizing that I had the situation in my hands. After all, knowledge is power and most people do not realize how much they tell about themselves through minuit behaviors. It feels good to know one is in control of a situation. Especially if one feels so out of control in every other single aspect of their life. And that was exactly where I was at when Edmond came along.

 And now, I'm exactly 5 minutes to the end of my work day and I STILL haven't wrapped up my thought that I've started and restarted half a dozen times.

Sorry... I promise I will completely wrap this up in the next post; big red bow and everything!

When you say "yes". But, you meant "No". Can that then mean "Wait"? Part 1

(…the deeper thoughts)

 

Now, for the "real" stuff: all of the previous was the nuts and bolts; the story that will, hopefully, explain all of my current musings.

 

I'm a little over-whelmed. It has all happened so fast! It's fun to hangout with him, to get to know him, experience things, be pampered but, I think I still want my independence. I don't want to feel that every weekend I need to correlate schedules; make sure I don't hangout with guys; make a conscious effort to have girl time etc etc. I've started to really enjoy just going with the flow. In some ways it's nice to think of having a boyfriend. But, that is really only because then I don't have to worry about being bored or lonely. Perhaps though it's good for me to go through those times; it is helping me to grow stronger in who I am, to learn how to be content and grow patiently in life with God.

"A decision made from fear is always a selfish one".

I think perhaps my saying yes was made out of fear. Fear, that I would disappoint him. Fear, that I would hurt him. Fear, that I would burst his bubble of exuberance. Fear, that I would disappoint his parents and friends. Fear, that I really did like him and the only reason I was feeling fear was because of past relationships. Fear, that I would miss out on something amazing if I said no.

The ironic thing is that two weeks ago, these were the exact questions/fears I did not want to face. I have been enjoying my freedom of singledom. I can come and go with whomever I please whenever I please. I can be curiously interested in multiple guys just for the heck of it. I have a blast exploring different types of people and right now, different types of guys. Who knows who's around the next bend! The endless possibilities are intoxicating!

So, the question I ask myself now, with all of those self-revelations is: do I really want to be dating? More specifically: do I want to date Edmund Smith? (Such a strong anonymous English name don't you think?)

My initial reaction right now is: No. Not if it means sacrificing my freedom. Not if it means feeling pressure to meet his level of interest in me. For the plain and simple truth is: I don't have it. I like him, yes. I'm attracted to him, definitely. Personality? Mmm, there are a couple of things I'm not sure on. To put it simply, I'm not as exuberant about this whole thing as he is. And that is precisely the knowledge that scares me.

Something that I have been asking myself is: what if another guy did the same things he has done? Would I have the same reaction? There's a gentleman that I have been hanging out with whom I get along with fabulously. We're both Psychology majors and talk the same language and philosophize till the cows come home. We can tease each other, give each other a hard time, and I can get him to react. Those are two very important things to me: philosophy and reactions. Philosophy because: I can challenge my mind, brainstorm and generate solutions to imaginary problems. I do it naturally all of the time! Reactions: I like to see people's emotions and how they relate to life. I want to know what draws their attention and pushes their buttons. Now, pushing buttons can also mean positive buttons as well…The question now is: does Edmund react & philosophize? And, how quickly can I figure that out? Honestly, I'd love to figure that out by the end of this coming weekend. Yet, what if that isn't a fair determination to make in a weekend? Perhaps he does but, it's not something he does readily because of social obligations? However, I philosophize regardless of who I am around. I also seek out those whom I can talk with on that level so… I think I just blew that excuse out of the water.

One thing I did learn is that it doesn't seem like his family has deep conversations all that much. We talked about how he was raised religiously; family worships, bible studies, Sabbath activities and such.  It was really interesting because in essence it sounded very similar to my background and yet, drastically different. I believe the biggest difference comes from his parent's marriage. These two may not seem directly correlated at first glance but, from watching my parents relationship and then my friend's parents I believe there is a direct connection- more on that later though. So yes, his family placed significant importance to spiritual things but yet, they don't seem to relate to it on the other levels like my dad does. They take it for what it is: simple and holistically but, do not seem to generalize it on the level I and my dad do. 

So, I don't know… But! Thank heavens it's Thursday today! I can take all of these endless musings to my counselor. Lay them all out for her and hope she can shed some light on them!

My little Puerto Rican has been helping me but, she herself just got through a rather roller coaster section in her relationship and even though all of what she said made sense… I'm going to be sure and get feedback from the "older" friends in my life. Oh, and her feedback? That Edmund asked me far too soon and that he's just acting a little bit to fast. Considering we have hardly known each other! But, she feels that if I simply expressed my concerns to Edmund that the relationship could precede at a healthy rate and it wouldn't need to be completely severed, just a wee bit of rewind is in order. I definitely agree with all of this, the only challenge being: how to implement it in the appropriate manner and actually stick with it.

Fast or Too Fast?

Betcha' can't guess what happened! Na, you probably have... But! Before I confirm or deny your suspicions and assertations I shall simply tell it to you as it unfolded. (There has to be some element of surprise or it'd be no fun!)

Here's the weekend as it unfolded:

Friday: I met him for vespers: nothing exciting or monumental, just interaction. He then lent me his laptop to try and Skype with my friend in Taiwan. However, I didn't get any sleep Friday night because I was paranoid that I'd miss hearing her come online. Was that ever a long night. In the end though, she didn't come online and when she did the rest of the weekend I was gone! So aggravating!

Sabbath: went to Sabbath School with him; which for me was a first in a veeeery long time. It has probably been over six months since I've gone! Perhaps he's a good influence on me? We'll see, more on that later. Then we went to second service at the University Church. After which, we invited ourselves over to a friend's house for lunch. That was very nice and relaxing and then we went out to a park with a big group of people and played ultimate Frisbee. Way fun! I have never played it before and it is definitely addicting. After this, I went home and tried to take a nap. Wasn't successful but, was able to catch up with one of my best friends and fill her in on all of the juicy details of the recent happenings in my "love life".

Side Note: She has a boyfriend now! A whole separate story in its self but, suffice it to say that she has a wonderfully unique personality that is the type you could see being perfectly happy single all her life and yet, on the other hand, making a wonderful wife and mother. They have known each other for 3 years already So, they're most likely going to be married but, it will still be a year and a half or so.. I'm so happy for her! He's just right for her!

Sabbath Evening: We went swing dancing over at some friend's house. It was alright. Honestly, I was disappointed in it. Not in him, just in the gentlemen that put on the event. The one is micro-managing/control freak the other, follows along and doesn't know how to look at another way of doing things. The first, we shall call him "MV", lead the event. The second, whom we'll call "ZF", was MV's back up in teaching the newbie's the steps. Now, the gentleman I have been hanging out with has already taken Ballroom dancing. He isn't foreign to the concept of dancing and leading. He simply hasn't swing danced and so has to learn the steps. This doesn't bother me at all. It was that Mr. MV had to micro-control how a person learned the steps. He doesn't take into account how a person learns simply that, he has determined the "best way" and there by everyone else must follow course. He then proceeded to keep bugging me the rest of the night till quite frankly, I was mad. So, my evening swing dancing ended up being stressful and repetitive. I was so looking forward to it too! I haven't been able to dance for well over a year and dancing is so relaxing for me and then all I leave with is stress and anger. He just kept pushing my buttons left and right! It was infuriating! I was trying so hard to not be ticked off but, men who do that drive me up the wall. Also, MV & ZF had said that there was going to be switching of partners and there wasn't any! Ah well, not everything can be perfect. Besides, I'm getting off track and the point of all of this isn't to talk about some stupid control freak.

I am realizing that I need to come up with a name for this "man" in my life. Question is: how do I come up with a name that fits him that well, isn't his name?! I really like his name! Speaking of names…Can you keep a secret? I had a huge crush in the first grade on this older boy whose name is the same as this gentleman's. Since then, I have always found that name incredibly sexy and manly and thought it would be way cool to date a man with that name. Well now, I just may have my chance. But, I'm getting ahead of myself…

After swing dancing we went to my place and watched the Sherlock Holmes movie that came out. It was so much fun watching it with him because he enjoys talking during a movie. After which we talked till 2am….

Sunday: This is when the "real" stuff started happening. Real meaning: that it was our first serious date and my first Valentine's date. He bought me a dozen red roses in a beautiful red vase! They were gorgeous. He said that I looked amazing; the food was wonderful; the atmosphere perfect; the conversation refreshingly diverse; and the company charming and ever so much a gentleman. He made me feel like such a beautiful lady! One thing was rather humorous however; I'm coming to the discovery that when he's either tired or nervous he talks a lot. It's ok to a point but, I really like to talk too! We'll have to see about that one. After the meal we went and grabbed a movie and went to my place. We watched 500 Days of Summer and was that ever an ironic movie to watch after a first date! I don't recommend it unless you're ok with watching a movie which strongly demonstrates Attachment Disorders.  

I have found his name! It will be: Edmond. Meaning: prosperous protector. Or it could be interchangeably, Esmond: gracious or handsome protector. They both work. I just don't like how the word Esmond rolls off the tongue. Edmond is so much smoother. Now that we have that taken care of, back to the "happen'ns".

After the movie we continued talking and didn't finish till 3am. Ugh. It was nice, don't get me wrong but, we had to wakeup by 7 the next morning to be ready to go boarding by 8.

Monday: I was so wiped that morning! I tried to sleep on the way there but, his friends and his brothers were having quite entertaining conversations and I couldn't tune them out.

The slopes weren't too bad. It was snowy and rainy for a bit in the morning but, then it cleared off and we had a beautiful rest of the day. The snow its self wasn't too bad though, by the end of the day it started to get a little slushy. The guys of course were all better then I, though I was able to impress Edmond by the fact that I could keep up with them. I myself was surprised by that! He had asked me how good I was and I said that I wasn't that good because I haven't been able to board consistently or often. Plus, I am self-taught and it took me several trips to realize and be told that you don't have to ride on the flat of your board! So, needless to say, I haven't considered myself all that great. Edmond of course wanted to make me feel good because I was able to keep up with them just fine but, he can do jumps and twists and all sorts of things and I can barely do a slight hop! But! I did go down a Black Diamond for the first time ever! I am quite proud of myself. I was nervous as hell but, since I was boarding with only guys I figured I couldn't be wimpy and so just concentrated on getting down the mountain. Mind over matter. I did take a pretty good spill though. My bindings were crap and we had gotten them to stick before but, at the top of the mountain they decided to not hold anymore. So, we decided that we needed to get them changed right away and not wait for lunch. Problem: I'm at the top. New bindings: at the bottom. I decided that the sooner I got down the sooner I got them fixed so I'd just bomb the hill. However, the run we took had a major switchback in it. I decided to try a hard tight turn around it but, my back end didn't agree. I tried turning, it stayed straight. I caught my edge and went head over heels tumbling and doing all sorts of crazy twists over the edge of the switch back. I'm so glad that there was that edge because there weren't any trees and it couldn't be groomed so it was wonderfully semi-soft snow. Though I did manage to plunge face first into it and came out with a numb jaw and lips. I discovered later that I also managed to get some nice whiplash as well.  The reason I crashed was because my binding had completely come off and hence, no way of turning my back end. I finished the run rather shakily but, made it down and turned in my murderous bindings. Perhaps I should have sued…

The guys were all perfect gentlemen the whole day. For the first half it would take at least 5min each time to put my binding on since it wouldn't stick. Then, they insisted on waiting while I rested up after my fall and then decided to have an early lunch for me. Of course, Edmond stayed with me no matter what. One thing he doesn't lack is the ability to be a gentleman. He's caring and attentive but, not smothering or controlling. I would quickly notice either one since, I am highly independent and it would drive me nuts!

Well, the evening and the weekend was ended by the group eating out at a Mexican restaurant. Edmond & I wound up back at my place exchanging much needed back rubs; he, having landed hard on his tail bone, and I having landed hard all over. There was also a brief exchange of a lip massage… brief mind you.

And that, my dear reader, is the end of my Valentines Weekend.

I hope I didn't bore you out of your mind with everything. I just have to savor every bit of it. For, weekends like that come only once in a life time. Remember:

"Every moment is different, and never comes again; so each must be savored, for life to truly be lived."

Tuesday Night: He asked me to be his girlfriend. I said -with a long pause- "Yes".

(stay tuned for the deeper thoughts...)

Valentines & Snowboarding

I must say, that the one thing I wish I could add to a blog is all of the minuit emotions and expressions that pass over my face as I write. Example: I'm smiling. But, it's more of a soft smile, with anticipation shining in my eyes and a slight glimmer of contentment and self containment peeping through.

The reason for said smile: I have been asked out on a Valentine's date. And, it is my very first valentines date of my life. I can hardly believe it to tell you the truth!

And! That's not all of my good fortune! The young gentleman has also invited me to go snowboarding. All expenses paid. I get all giddy inside just thinking about everything these next few days hold in them!

Expression: A huge smile, with my shoulders and arms pulled together in a hug of myself from all of the excitement welling up inside. You know what it feels like! You can't quite outwardly squeal and start dancing around with excitement so, it's like the insides of your body do it for you. At least, that's what I think it's doing!

Well, I will have to wrap this up because it is the end of the work day and I fiiiinally get to go home. I will try next week to "tell all". Until then, wish me luck!

 

Mediation by Medication

So, I've kept my promise! Once a month! Though perhaps it was more like a semi-promise, which ever, here I am! I'm not sure when exactly I started the blog and first posted so, guesstimation will have to do. All I know is that, the internet regulations at work have been significantly altered and I can't actually go to the blog site anymore. So, now I have to post via email. It really is a drag but, at least I can still keep my semi-promise!

(Don’t laugh at my semi-promise’s! That’s not nice. At least I’m tryyying to keep one.)

Now wow, where should I start in catching up? The first thing that comes to mind is my doctor's appointment. I went to a new Psychiatrist on the 25th last month. My counselor wanted me to go about two months prior but, honestly, whoever wants to go to the Doctor's? Ok, I guess I use to but, I've already gone through going on a different med and getting all screwed up and I've been working very hard at avoiding such an experience again. However, things have reached a point where the illness can't be ignored any longer. Not that I was ignoring it before, I was just working my butt off to keep it steady by myself. Catch up: I've been diagnosed for a little over two years now. Did I already tell you that? Well, can't check since I can't view the site so, anyways! I was put on Lamictal in October of when I was diagnosed. This worked well until the start of February or so. Then I started to have ADD and depression and other miscellaneous symptoms and it was determined that I was *rapid-cycling: as opposed to simply *cycling. So, around the end of March my Psychiatrist in Nebraska -I've moved since then- decided to try Abilify on me.

On me? With me? Hmm, I'll have to see which phrasing I like better.

Anyways, it worked well until around the beginning of July. At this time I was on vacation visiting my childhood best friend whom I hadn't seen for a couple of years. I was so excited to spend time with her! We are both very creative and I was looking forward to painting, drawing, long philosophical conversations, photography... all of the things that make a vacation a vacation for me! But, I started to get depressed. By the last few days of my time with her I was experiencing severe *flat-affect.

cycling: when there are fewer then 4 cycles in a year. A cycle being down-up or up-down one consecutive time. For some individuals, there are only two severe cycles in a year. These tend to take place in the spring and fall for the individual. (Severity being rated according to the debilitation of the individual; Bipolar I is usually more severe- more on this later as well.)

Rapid-cycling: when the depression and mania cycle more then 4 times a year. Rapid-cycling can be where a person has multiple cycles in a month. However, if the cycles reach a more rapid rate consistently then it is diagnosed as:

Cyclical Bipolar: a person cycles as rapidly as days or even minutes of time. Up one day, down the next as well as up one minute, down the next minute; sounds hellish doesn’t it? I praise God I only have experienced rapid-cycling so far!

Flat-affect: a mood where the brain is neither manic nor depressive. Stimuli are taken in but, there is very little to no reaction from the brain. Flat-affect is determined by how a person reacts emotionally in a given situation by a person experiencing no depression. In other words: I scare you, you scream. I scare a flat-affected person they may have little to no reaction to the jarring stimuli.

Now that we’ve gotten some definitions out of the way… back to my story! As my vacation was coming to a close I decided that my mood wasn’t just circumstantial- I was also going through crap from my boyfriend at the time, ex mind you- I then called my Psychiatrist and told him that I believed the Abilify wasn’t working and needed to go off of it. He agreed and I weaned myself off and swore to never take the stuff again!

A note to you, my reader: don’t EVER go off of a medication without discussing this thoroughly with your physician.Especially if it is a psychotropic medication the effects to the body and brain may have dire consequences. Ok, I’m off my soap box.

Ever since the time of ending the Abilify I have only taken Lamictal. That has been now oh, about a year and a half? And, up until November, I thought I was doing pretty good! Last spring I experienced depression but, I felt that it was situational due to my being weak from the illness and experiencing sever stress. You know, you-twist-your-ankle-again-because-you’ve-already-twisted-it type thing. Hence, I termed it circumstantial depression.

Now it comes to November.. December.. January… and my expectation of my job is fast going down the tubes and the red on my stress o’meter is rising rapidly and my counselor wants me to go see a Psychiatrist again. For good reason I know. I was depressed, experienced a couple of anxiety attacks, and the last drop in the bucket: the beginning of January she, the counselor, said she saw me cycling about every two weeks. That opened my eyes sufficiently to see I wasn’t able to keep the illness in control just by natural remedies. So, I booked an appointment with the Psychiatrist she recommended and, wala! Here I am!

Placed on good ol’ Lithium.

When I was first diagnosed I immediately plunged into the world of Google Scholar and Psychological Journals. I was scared. Perhaps even the word petrified would be appropriate. I mean, who the hell wants to discover that something is messing with your brain; your MIND, and you don’t have a say in the matter?!?! (Pardon my French. ((I love that phrase by the way. My being part French may have something to do with it.))

As I was researching I kept coming across the medication Lithium. It fast became apparent that it was the most commonly prescribed medication for Bipolar I. However, I was diagnosed Bipolar II and so looked at it as the extrememedication. Almost as if only those who were “truly crazy” took it. Not a fair, nor appropriate perception but, I was scared. And, rightfully so! If one has any level of knowledge concerning Bipolar I it fast becomes apparent that the illness rips apart its victim.

Note: For any reader who is suffering from this illness or another mental illness I want to make sure and tell you that: None of what I am saying here is meant to disqualify or minimize your particular experience and disease. I seek only to relate to you my mind set through the journey of awareness. Any illness, whether mental or physical- there’s an oxymoron for you- creates its own unique challenges for each person. These challenges are valid. These are to be respected by myself, you and others. We are all in our own battles and to support each other in these is our highest calling!

With the knowledge that I did NOT have Bipolar I but II, I sub-consciously came to the erroneous conclusion that, if I was ever put on Lithium then I had reached an extreme level. Almost like the illness had become so bad that my life may be irreparably screwed up. More like, that I was screwed up. As it has been exemplified, I haven’t had the most optimistic outlook on Lithium.

Placing my personal feelings aside let’s just look at the drug impartially. It has side effects of cognitive impairment in memory and speed of information processing. It can cause weight gain by the fact that the drug is derived from an iodine base. Thus, a person can have “dry mouth”, water retention and edema.

* Five hours later due to work distraction*

There is a lot more to it but, my brain has become tired and I’ll have to finish summarizing my research later. Perhaps my mind is tired due to being on the medication? *ironic but mischievous smile*

Plus, this post is becoming more like an entire chapter of a book rather then just a post on a blog… Ah well, I enjoy sharing my thoughts. I especially appreciate the thought that you, whom ever you may be, are sharing in them. Like I said, I really don’t like writing to an empty page or talking to an empty room!

So, my time has come to a close. It’s 4:57pm. The work day is over and I’m off to some other adventure! Namely; experiencing a yoga class for the first time. I don’t have a car so; I’ve succeeded in dragging my friend along with me. Who of course DOES have a car. It’s seriously such a drag not having a car. Anyways! I must go. I hope you have had, or are having, a lovely day!