Better Together

There's no combination of words

I could put on the back of a postcard

No song that I could sing

But I can try for your heart,

our dreams, and they are made out of real things

like a shoebox of photographs

with sepia-toned loving

Love is the answer

at least for most of the questions in my heart, like;

Why are we here? and where do we go?

And how come it's so hard?

It's not always easy and

sometimes life can be deceiving

I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

 

Mmmmm, It's always better when we're together

Yeah we'll look at the stars and we're together

Well, it's always better when we're together

Yeah it's always better when we're together

 

And all of these moments

just might find their way into my dearms tonight,

But I know that they'll be gone

when the morning light sings

and brings new things

for tomorrow night you see

that they'll be gone too,

too many things I have to do

But if all of these dreams might find their way

into my day to day scene

I'd be under the impression

I was somewhere in between 

with only town,

Just me and you,

Not so many things we got to do

or places we got to be

We'll sit beneaht the mango tree, now,

 

 

Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together

Well, it's always better when we're together

 

[MmmmMmmmmMmm, Mmmm MMmmmM]

 

I believe in memories

they look so, so pretty when I sleep

Hey now, and when I wake up,

you look so pretty sleeping next to me

But there is not enough time,

There is no, no song I could sing

and there is no combination fo words I could say

but I will still tell you one thing

We're better together 

- Jack Johnson-

Cut the Crap

 Friday, May 14, 2010

8:44 AM

 

I wish I was done with this shity job. I've lost motivation. Just to put it out there plain and simple. Also, I really haven't found a decent reason as to why I should try and get any back. No one cares and frankly, I haven't any reason to care either.

I went to WWU today and started working on getting my classes figured out. That is, those that I can take at CC and those I will have to take at WWU. I'm quite proud of myself for finally getting that done. Paul had me promise to do it today and I kept my promise. I do hate promises. If I don't keep them then I feel incredibly guilty and since I'm not great at keeping promises then… I have to deal with a lot of guilt. And I know, not making promises to escape guilt isn't probably the greatest tactic, in fact; it's probably downright ineffective but……. Right now that's how I'm working and I'm tired of trying to fix things.

You know, I am far to suggestive. I think dating Paul has affected me in far more areas then I've realized. For starters, he thinks and reacts to life far differently than I do. I don't think I like that; sub-consciously that is. I'm insecure about myself, I want things to all ways be in unison and flowing so, if I do something different then the way the person does that I like and trust I think that I must change how I do it. For some reason, I believe that their way is better than mine.  Or, if mine is better than they should be like me. And you know, in a lot of ways I feel that that is the way my dad has dealt with me and I feel he deals with others. Logic logic logic.

I don't know. If some way I don't WANT to like Paul, I don't WANT to want to be in a relationship because it is starting to bring up more and more and more of all the ways I'm dysfunctional. And I'm fighting against it internally. I'm also sensing that I'm fighting against it more than usual because Paul doesn't have "as many supposed problems" and doesn't have to be so purposeful in having a happy life. He just lives and is able to appear worry free. He's never been to counseling, he doesn't talk to his parents about all of the stuff that he sees has gone wrong in his family, he doesn't think and ponder about himself and life all of the time, he doesn't analyze and judge people's actions. (Yes, I catch myself far too many times judging and not just assessing…)

I'm having a hard time accepting that we think differently. I want to think exactly alike. I want to make sure that the way I'm thinking is ok because well, if he's thinking that way then it must be ok. Yeah, that's the way my brain is thinking and it's not healthy I know… I'm sure that comes from the fact that I revered Dad so much that his way of thinking became law in my mind and so now that translates to how I expect guys would view me and react to me. I'm so messed up. And I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!

 

Trapped

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

12:08 AM

 

I feel so trapped. So alone.

I don't have my cell phone. I was an idiot and left it at work. Now I'm stuck at home; without a car, without a cell phone, and without decent internet connection.

I asked Paul the other day what it would be like to have to go without all of that, he replied that he thought it would be ok. He; coming from the perspective of being in Europe without a cell phone etc. The only difference being however, that he didn't realize and take into account, that he had money and he was set to be there for only a certain amount of time and that he knew what he was getting into. I, on the other hand, am stuck. This is my home, I have very little money, I have no car, there is no other place to live, and I have no other means of staying in touch with the people who matter to me except through those means. So. Without internet and phone: I feel cut off. Alone.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that all three are vital ways of my being able to get to work?

 

Sabbath: A day of Rest or Conflict?

Wednesday, May 05, 2010
4:38 PM

It's the most important day in the week. It was created by the God of the Universe to give us rejuvenation and sense of belonging. He has finished creating all that we see and know, He has even finished creating us; mankind. He now ends His omniscient creativity with a Day that is to be Holy. A day that is Holy because He is Holy. And the express purpose of this day? To show us He has a permanent spot in His weekly calendar just for US! For me!
You know, I'll be honest -don't gasp so loud- I have many questions still to be sorted through when it comes to understanding my God and the things He asks of us. Or perhaps more importantly I still have trust issues when it comes to understanding God and the requests He asks of me.  There are so many things that have a million different views concerning them. Should a Pastor preach about certain *ahem* subjects in the pulpit? Is it biblical to wear jewelry? And if it truly is ambiguous *gasp* should one wear it in church or not? Perhaps one is being a hypocrite if they  wear it one place as opposed to another? What about dress? "Ladies; no pants or pants?" Is Ellen White a true Prophet? And what precisely defines "fornication"? And lying? Well, I've already discussed that and we know all of the questions I have concerning that but, now, now I'm looking at the most important day of the week: Sabbath.
 I have been instilled with the belief that Sabbath is to be spent unlike any other day of the week. This comes from the belief and honor placed in God's law He set at the beginning of creation.
"Honor the Sabbath Day to keep it Holy. Six days you have to labor but, the seventh day is the Sabbath of your God. In it you will do no work; you nor your son nor your daughter nor your man servant nor your maid servant nor your ox now your mule nor the stranger within your gate. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth and all that is within them but, the seventh day He rested. Therefore the Lord blessed the Seventh day and Hallowed it."