Death, Reality, and the Grieving Process

I went to my first funeral last weekend. It was with Edmond. One of his childhood best friends past away. And the problem is, I don't know how to relate to it all. No one whom I have been close to has died. Oh sure, I've had relatives, my great grandpa for instance but, I was to young to have it emotionally affect me. All I knew then was that it made my mom really sad and she flew way across the country for the event and that I was left behind with my Dad and sister. Then, I think I went to a funeral later on? But, as you can tell, I don't remember it. So, as you can see, I and death haven't really become acquainted. This reality of life has entered upon my stage in any significant act.

Perhaps, I look upon death as an event that happens to someone else. Or, that when death happens it is a welcome release to its recipient. For many years I have often thought about what it would feel like if someone in my immediate family died. How would I feel? How would I cope? How would those around me handle the tragedy? Could, and would, I stand strong to help them through? Or would I retreat, closing myself in with my own thoughts and grief? Yes, these are questions I have asked myself.

I remember distinctly one night when I was around 15 lying in my bed trying to imagine how I would feel if my father died. I imagined it so vividly and intimately that I started crying and scared myself so well that I had to go to my parents door way to make sure he was alive. I can still feel that moment; remember the feel of the bed that I lay in, the floor I walked on, hearing my father breath, the coldness of the house in the middle of the night, it's still as alive as it was eight years ago. 

I know, you are probably thinking I'm morbid however, there was something inside of me that needed to feel that. Something that called to me to become acquainted with possible loss. Now looking back I realize that that need stemmed from multiple things: lack of an emotional mother figure, habits in my life that caused intense feelings of shame, depression and mania from the Bipolar and my gift in having a higher sensitivity to my emotional environment. However, which ever the cause it has also caused me to have a curiosity of death and the emotions it brings. How does the life of one change? What is their reality after?

Reality is so subjective. My reality is entirely different then yours. Ok, you may be protesting at my use of the word "reality", preferring rather perspective, paradigm shift or uuuh, just change of mind perhaps. And yes, I can see your argument, when discussing psychotic behaviors we use the term "altered state of reality" . However, who is to define reality?! Yes, there are certain elemental facts about life that are unmistakable truths: the sky is blue, the grass is green, a human has a brain, two eyes, one mouth, a nose, arms and legs. (And hopefully  a heart) But, beyond these, who are we to argue with someone else's view upon reality. Their reality. Ok, I'm getting off topic, I think I've made my point in it's essence and also in the process decided that perhaps for the sake of clarification and respect to "the reality" of most, I will use the word "perspective". Ok, I'll admit it, I convinced my self of using the other words because of how the word "reality" is currently used and defined. How do you like that, you didn't utter a word and I was persuaded differently. *ironic chuckle*

So, to rephrase the question: what is their perspective after? How has their paradigm shifted?

I have only just discovered that I have always had an innate curiosity in understanding how people think and feel. It's so fascinating to me to think that while I may be feeling intense happiness or even sadness towards a specific event or person another may come along who experiences quite the opposite. And to this I ask: Why? What changed and caused their difference in perspective? How do they react to knowing they have such a different way of looking at something? Do they know where they get that perspective from? Do they care? Oh, there are a hundred more questions to be asked but, all with the basic intent of: "Why did this person do what they did just now?" 

Ok, say you've answered that question and have "come to a pretty clear concept about that person"; then that person experiences incredible loss: the death of one of their best friends. Now, how has life changed for that person? How do they see their friends, their family, themselves afterwards? Do they want to be around people? Can they talk about it? Are they able to talk about it?  Do they want to talk about it? How can you help them? How can I help him?

I've only know Edmond for a little over four months now. He likes to say it's longer but, our concepts of "knowing" are a little different. His definition appears to be more; "knowing the existence of" the other person. Mine: a little more particular.  I feel that  we have only known each other for about three and half months because that's when we actually started talking.  That's when I was able to start forming my perspective of him. Of which I could completely diverge from the topic at hand to discuss all of the awesome things I keep discovering about him but… I'd never actually finish this article and I'd really like to do so. I'll focus on the other a little later. *dreamy smile*

There are a few things however, that I think are essential to discuss. The only thing being is I am tentative to label things that I do like for; what if I haven't perceived them correctly? Perhaps I'm looking at them through spectacles that have only allowed me to see what I want to see. Never the less, I will take the chance of putting them in writing and pray that things will reveal their true identity in time. And really, all of this is simply because things  have started to appear to good to be true!

He isn't intimidated by my intuition, he wanted me to be at the funeral with him, he is considerate of my needs both physically/health wise  and emotionally. When I ask direct questions concerning himself he is straight forward and honest. After relating some specific conversations we have had to my father, he said that it seemed that Edmond was  aware of himself and this then enabled him to be aware of others. From what I can tell, after crossing checking as objectively as possible…,  I am starting to believe this is true. 

So, if Edmond is self aware, how will he work out his grief? And yet, how self aware is he really? Perhaps just enough to do the "basic" for himself and others but, when it comes to deep heart pain and issues, does he have the skills? However, I do have to give him one thing, he expressed to me specifically that he had cognitively worked on dealing with his Aunt's death a few years ago. He felt that he wasn't very successful and yet, to me it spoke of someone recognizing the need to address issues; that emotionally intense situations require processing. But, how does one process grief?

I think the main point of this whole article has become; how is he going to relate to it and how will I relate to him and he to me during this process? For some reason this question plagues me. Or perhaps not so much plague but, deep intense curiosity? It seems such an essential question to answer. I guess because I really don't know how the grief process works. I haven't had anyone die that I'm really close to and now, how do I relate to him? What if he doesn't let me in? Perhaps he won't be able to put it into words and I'm left outside? I want to be there for him. In some aspect I want to know that he needs me. But yet, wasn't that what he said when he requested my presence at the funeral?

I know very little about the grief process, I have things from my past that I have had to grieve for but, they have secondary not primary matters. I now simply pray that I can be there for Edmond when and where I can. That I don't seek to comfort out of selfish reasons- fear that I'm not being let in and rejected- but, out of a heart that seeks to give that which is needed.

To Lie

What constitutes a true lie?

I know, a seemingly odd and ridiculous question right? I guess the only reason I ask is because, sometimes I feel as if I'm living a lie.

I go to work and do nothing. I look busy because I have to. If I don't, my façade' will fall and the truth, which none wish to recognize, will be seen.

That I do nothing.

I pretend.

I look like that which people want me to appear: busy. But it's such a lie! Sure, perhaps if I work super hard and do a whole bunch of presentations at the high schools I can start to actually do what I'm suppose to do. However, my motivation has been sapped from me.  I have received no recognition for my work, no encouragement to keep doing my best and help and guidance in doing better.

They do nothing.

My supervisor is excellent at giving reprimands and commands but, in encouragement and listening to her employees;

She does nothing.

So perhaps we are all living a lie. We smile, nod our heads, recognize of each other in a purely cognitive essence and keep going about our daily business.  Now, when I say we I do mean those here at work. Although, I do believe in some aspects we are all living a lie. But, that's another whole topic entirely. Here however, I seem to be  plagued with the every day reality that nothing is as it appears. I hear things from one person about another, then from another person about their view on the view expressed by the other… and it just seems to go round and round. Now, I must say I have a definite dislike to gossip and I do not participate. However, here, you don't have to do to much to hear about other happenings that transpire.  Unfortunately, even though I may not spread gossip, hearing affects one all the same.  I look at some people and wonder how they can stand behaving in the way that they do when the people around them dislike their behaviors. But, do people confront? Do they express the need for change? No:

They pretend.

That it's all fine, they don't need change. Even though change is the very essence of life… It drives me crazy!! How can they stand it?! I can barely contain myself. I've come up with various reasons to some how be able to live with such a life but, none of which seem to compensate for the agony it brings. It is so unsettling. The knowledge that the truth isn't in the open, that it is being stuffed into the box called, "Social Acceptability". Oooh, it makes me want to shake myself all over as if to get rid of a bad tickle.  Ok, perhaps that wasn't the best illustration but, it was the only one I could think of to describe the weird shake I do when I think of it.

So, what do I do when things  don't change? When I discover that, as hard as I've tried to see the good in either the situation or the person, the reality is; it's ugly and I can't change it.  What do I do?

I pretend.

I lie.

I look at the situation, at the people around me and, do what we all seem to do best: nod and smile. For, to tell the truth would be a reality that they wouldn't like, much less be able to swallow and digest. Humans don't like to change. Well, we don't like to change things we've been told are negative for others around us. We don't mind having others change. For, isn't it easier for another to change rather then ourselves? But yet, when it comes to confronting another with a change that we see as needing to be changed, an odd phenomenon happens. We start to ignore our need for change in ourselves and others.  By ignoring their behavior we thereby  presume this will take the pressure off of ourselves to change and then, what is this exemplified behavior after such decisions?

Nod and smile.

Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. We've all done it. We are creatures of denial and hiding. We hide from each other, we hide from ourselves, we hid from the Truth.  And yes you may:

Nod and smile.

Isn't it so much easier? But then, really? Is it really? True, for some of us, our skills for sensing the undercurrents of those around aren't especially honed. But, we all have a responsibility towards that which is inescapable.  To live in a lie has definite consequences. For starters, we miss that which is the true longing of those we come in contact with.  In one sense as well, we start to miss that which is truly reality in our own hearts. But yet,

What is Truth?

What is a lie?

It would seem pretty obvious to say that, whatever isn't Truth is then a lie. However, I for one have experienced trying to always tell everyone the truth and found quickly that if you plaster truth everywhere it doesn't seem to have much success. And then, we all know the consequences that come from never  telling the truth. Yeah, not to pretty. So, there must be a balance, there has to be! Otherwise, pardon the phrase, we're screwed! But! How do we get there? How do we know what that balance is?

What is an actual lie and just an appropriate omission of Truth?

To be honest?

I don't know yet; I've just been nodding and smiling.

 

 

A Sparrow Fell

I heard a sparrow fall today.

It came out of nowhere. A harsh thud and slight echo from the reverberation in the screen door. 

I was standing at the sink when I heard the sound. As I rushed to the door I hoped, "Please, don't let it die". I jerked the door open and saw a flash of brown flutter into the corner bush.  I knelt down quickly, scooping the fragile body into my cupped hands. It was so small. So frail and delicate and I doubted it weighed barely an ounce. 

As I held it I tried to hear its' tiny heart beat. Perhaps to feel it with my finger? But, there was no sound, no little flutter of life.  It had fallen and wouldn't rise. From some desperate tender part of my heart I asked God, "Please? Couldn't you save this beautiful little bird?".

But, I felt no little flutter nor heard any little "thump thump thump".

But, in that instance of request I was reminded of His promise that He does see every sparrow that falls and this one was not unlike any other sparrow. He had seen this small little one fall as well. In all of the infinite number of birds in our world I knew that as I held this little bird in my hand He was watching it to. Here I was: one young woman amongst billions of others, holding one small little sparrow amongst millions of others; and I could know without a shadow of a doubt that, at that precise moment in time , the Creator of the Universe saw us. It was a thrilling thought!

And I knew that, when I heard the sparrow fall, He had heard us both.

Girl Friends

I couldn't live without them. They have been one of the most important elements in my life, in helping me understand who I am. It has taken years to understand true friendship and to experience it but, when God blessed me with them He did an outstanding job! My friends have taught me that love doesn't keep count: a friend doesn't keep track of who has done what, when and how much. When a friend is there they aren't there because they want something no, they're there because they just want to be with someone. Namely; you!

I never knew that it was possible to ever have someone want to be with me just because they enjoyed who I was. That someone would go out of their way to spend time with me simply because they enjoyed who I was!

Think about it, it's a phenomenal concept to realize that there are people around you that like you just because you're you! But now, define you: define your loves, your hates, your strengths, your weaknesses, your accomplishments, your failures; define you and only you. Then, look in the mirror and let it sink in to the very depths of your soul what an utter miracle it is that we as selfish, sinful, messed up humans can love and be loved for just the simple fact of being alive; for being you.

Incredible!

 

In my journey towards understanding God, myself, family, life, friends, all of that big stuff, I have found over and over again that God has been using my friends to keep showing me the greater picture. A picture of Him. The utter phenomenal part of His picture is that, the more I look at Him the more I find myself, my family, my directions, and my friends. But, I don't find them in the same ways, I see them all in different colors, forms, and even shapes.

When I look at God's picture, when I look at God, it's like stepping into the most beautiful picture you can imagine and being able to walk inside of it. Only that this picture takes it a brush stroke further and allows one to be changed because of it and learn how to see the picture through your friend's eyes. Like I said, it's a phenomenone. I'm not even sure if I've been able to explain what exactly I've been trying to describe but, hopefully you grasped the idea that, looking into God's eyes, His heart, who He is, you'll find that this may be because of a friend He's put in your life.

Totally incredible.

 

Some of these concepts may not be so new to you. In fact, they may seem obvious and matter of fact however, there is an old saying that goes, "You don't know what you have until you've lost it". I, for one, do not wish to experience life through such an adage.What a life to look forward to! Think about it, that implies that; you can't appreciate your family until you've lost them. You won't know the blessings of having food to eat, clothes to wear and a house to live in until they have all been taken away. You will take your friends for granted and won't be able to understand the beauty of having them until they're gone. How pessimistic is that! And I vehemently protest against it!

When I first heard it I decided right then and there that I would prove such a phrase wrong. I thought, "Why do you want to take things for granted "Lion"? Do you want to discover in your old age all of the things that sliped past you simply because your eyes were closed?" From then on I have sought to keep my eyes open, to appreciate the good with the bad. I have decided that the biggest factor in not realizing what you have when you have it is because one is afraid to see the reality of their situation. If you can't see something clearly isn't the logical reason because something is obscuring your vision? It works this way in the physical world, why not in the emotional? The spiritual? The social?

This is how I came to my conclusion: Christ said He wanted to put salve on our eyes and that by seeking His Truth we would be free. Christ asks us to surrender our perceptions for His and His Salve is what does this. He sees all things, and all people, clearly and perfectly. So then, if I have Him put His salve on my eyes then! I learn to see Him and everyone else as they really are. I can appreciate them in the here and now. Now, it does take time to learn to adjust to such perspectives so, we can't completely avoid taking things for granted... but! we can certainly grow to appreciate more; more often.  

Yes, that is one of my many philosophies on life. One that I seek ever so hard to hold true to but, I think it is one that changes in color and shape so fast one can't truly be sure whether or not they are really appreciating something for what it really is until; it's gone? I hope and pray not! And since I really don't know either way, I will trust that with God and dedicate my time, loyalty and love to those who lie closest to me.

Behind and Ahead

And.... it's March, and I don't believe I have posted anything yet! I do apologize for my neglect and promise to try and catch you up as well as I can. However, I must warn you that an incredible amount of events have transpired between now and last I wrote and it will be a serious undertaking! Oh, and I lied... I did post something this month! Obviously there has been a lot going on if I can't remember back to the beginning of the month!

So, my last post was dealing with all of my misgivings concerning the differences between I and Edmond's backgrounds. I still have a few of them still but, I made a decision concerning them the next day (after that last March post) during my counseling session that eased my heart immensely: I would tell Edmond about my having Bipolar.

It was huge decision. One I knew that would alter my life and our relationship for better or for worse ever after. I was so turned upside down and inside out from all of my questions that I even called Diana and asked if we could move my session up so I wouldn't have to wait so long to sort things out! As I was describing my misgivings and thoughts on Edmond and myself I finally got up my nerve to ask her opinion about telling Edmond about my Bipolar. You see, Dr. Brown and Diana had told me repeatedly that it was wise of me to wait a considerable time into a relationship before I told the a young man such news. They advised that I should wait to tell them until they had been able to get to know and accept me for who I was before knowing such an immensely significant part of who I am. Another reason they advised me to wait is to see how much the young man actually cared for me. Once he started to become serious and perhaps even fall in love then, that would be the time to tell them. However, with Edmond there seemed to be something about him that destroyed that concept. And what seemed to destroy that concept was something that scared me. For, he seemed to already be at the point where he would need to be told.

He was and is, dare I say, crazy about me.

And he had only seriously known me for a little over 3 weeks!

When I had made these realizations and discussed them with Diana I knew what I had to do. And incredibly, I had such an overwhelming sense of peace once I choose to tell him. Diana also agreed that it would be good to tell him now as well! One of the biggest factors was also realizing that with the addition of Lithium I have become blissfully stable and even. Because of this stability I am able to be certain in who I am and therefore, I can know, that I know, who Edmond is and that he has started dating me and getting to know me, the "real" Girl: not the Up Girl or the Down Girl. Realizing this also helped me realize that; what better time then now to tell him? Say the worse happened in a month or so and I become horribly depressed or hypomanic, then what am I to do? "Oh, by the way Edmond, just wanted to let you know that I have Bipolar II." Mmmm yeah, don't think that would be the best way to introduce it. So, introducing it now seemed highly logical because then he has a baseline to work off of when the illness decides to act up again.

Diana and I talk about it and we decided that when I introduced it that I should say that I had the milder form of Bipolar. I wanted to be sure that I counteracted any form of negative bias towards the illness he may have already acquired. That way the first thing he connects with the illness is not severity or any other negative memory to the illness but, a toned down something of "something".
^Started around the 10th of May^

"Finished" April the 5th...
Ok, so. I know I'm not going to get this finished for awhile. Pretty lame I know, I've been working on this post for three weeks now and I just can't seem to get it finished! I've become so busy and well, distracted. I'm still working on how to get my priorities and boundaries in place in this new relationship and well, it's not so easy nor fast. I want to keep you updated, I truly do! I just haven't done so. I've been so tired of late because I've been staying up either talking or watching movies or.... *ahem* uuuh, well exchanging lip massages with Edmond that I end up being totally out of it at work. Yes yes it's true, I write when I'm at work. But honestly! I really have nothing better to do! More on that later....
So yes, I will do my best to increase my self-control, thereby increasing my sleep, thereby keeping you updated!